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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – June 2014

geminiGEMINI – May 21-June 21

Welcome advice from afar this month, which may come in the form of a radio phone-in show, television talk show or an e-mail from someone you don’t know from Nigeria.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
FAMOUS GEMINI: DONALD TRUMP


cancerCANCER – June 22-July 22

Vampires, witches and traffi c police are well starred this month, especially when parking in dark alleys on the 7th.

RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY
FAMOUS CANCER: LIZZIE BORDON


leoLEO – July 23- August 22

Embrace wind, hurricanes and extreme weather anomaly’s in all their forms this month especially when they feature in erotic fi ction or advertisements for exotic holidays and fruit.

RULING GEMSTONE: JADE
FAMOUS LEO:BENITO MUSSELINI


virgoVIRGO – August 23-September 22

Stacking cans of vegetables neatly in rows, alphabetically and all the right way up, is well starred, although if you fi nd yourself doing this on Tuesdays get help from an Aries psychiatrist if you fi nd you are also sharpening knives too much.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
FAMOUS VIRGO: IVAN THE TERRIBLE


libraLIBRA – September 23-October 22

Saying “argh” while sticking your tongue out continues to be your lucky medical sound this month, especially in any nose or throat trips to the doctor or nurse or a person wearing a suitably medical looking hat.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

FAMOUS LIBRA: LEE HARVEY


scorpioSCORPIO – October 23-November 21

Slow moving traffi c whilst your vehicle is covered in fl ags of some sort is very well starred this month, especially when driving to or from concerts, sporting events and extremist political gatherings.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

FAMOUS SCORPIO: MARIE ANTOINETTE


sagittariusSAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

A favorite mirror is about to try to guide you in some kind of way, a bit like the mirror in Shrek 1, but less colorfully.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
FAMOUS SAGITTARIUS: WALT DISNEY


capricornCAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

An above average quantity of junk mail for gardening items is about to arrive through the post. Keep all of this junk mail, it will be valuable to post apocalypse junk mail collectors later in the century.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
FAMOUS CAPRICORN: BENEDICT ARNOLD


aquariusAQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

You will help a work colleague welcome hygiene into their life on the 6th using the method of sarcasm.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
FAMOUS AQUARIUS: JAMES HOFFA


piscesPISCES – February 19-March 20

In an impromptu moment of creativity over the coming month, possibly while you shower lavishly or, maybe, while cavorting Fred Astaire style in heavy rain, you will compose a bouncy melody you will name ‘None of your bees wax.’

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
FAMOUS PISCES: OSAMA BIN LADEN


ariesARIES – March 21-April 19

An escaped elephant will appear in your street on 15th. Do not give it peanuts as these give them explosive diarrhoea.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
FAMOUS ARIES: LADY GAGA


taurusTAURUS – April 20-May 20

This month will be 52.7% more magical than last – take advantage of this by pulling rabbits and oven-ready chickens from hats and materializing money from behind the ears of loved ones or their pets.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
FAMOUS TAURUS: SADDAM HUSSEIN


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