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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – January 2012

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

capricorn

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

The truth is much harder to find than fiction. Don’t be afraid to spread damn dirty lies. This month, your seasonal destiny feels like the lowest berry on the mistletoe.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET


aquariusAQUARIUS - January 20-February 18

Half of what you think you are good at is actually a complete fluke. This month might see the end of your futile efforts to get good at something.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – December 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

sagittariusSAGITTARIUS - November 22-December 21

Don’t forget your towel today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks though.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE


capricorn

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

You will get one of those pre mixed salads in a new high tech bag that “breathes”. Or in this case, wheezes.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – November 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

scorpioSCORPIO - October 23-November 21

A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that its a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ


sagittariusSAGITTARIUS - November 22-December 21

Be playful at heart and you will reap the reward of having more friends under the age of 10. Beware of tour guides walking backwards in their guide commentary’s.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE


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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – September/October 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

virgoVIRGO – August 23-September 22

Jake Gyllenhall continues to be your lucky Hollywood megastar this month, especially when you are trekking through the cold glacial climes and you need to take off your top to walk through freezing water and there is no TV crew to film it all. Machismo like that is rare! And there is no money to be made out of it!

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE


libraLIBRA - September 23-October 22

Beware of small difficult to control mouth vomits around 1pm on the 18th of this month. Your destiny is like the most difficult last 2 degrees of a situp. Also, Neptune has left you a message somewhere on the History channel on the 7th.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – August 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

leoLEO - July 23- August 22

Blues harmonica playing has never been better starred than this month, especially in impromptu nights spent in police cells. Embrace “flowery” people with open arms.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE


virgoVIRGO – August 23-September 22

Beachwear is critically starred this month with a 40% chance of wardrobe malfunction when entering or getting out of swimming pools or the ocean until sunrise on the 26th.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – July 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

cancer

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up. You will also find that if you deliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot of questions with either “yes air”, or “nose hair”.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY


leoLEO - July 23- August 22

Homelessness is a very poor way to begin the year, so ensure money is not an issue for you. Gift horses always happen to those who least expect it. The moral of this horoscope its: expect a gift horse. The sounds of fairies in your head are brought on by the alcohol. It may be time to stop drinking this week.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – June 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

geminiGEMINI - May 21-June 21

Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the nature of the soul! Get it? People will start to resent your annoying habit of repeating the last funny thing said and then laughing.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE


cancer

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Although it may be true that you are being hunted down by pirates, you may wish to avoid using the name “Long Dong Silver”. Brown is your unlucky color this month. Avoid it where possible.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

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