AQUARIUS - January 20-February 18

Smashing things up on a small scale will bring you joy this month. Use a pestle and morter like in science class, go for a hard 2 handed thump, followed by a gentle grinding until your will is meted out.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES - February 19-March 20

Bridges, tractors and windmills are your lucky tropical fishtank accessories until mid June. An Elvis impersonator has a message for you on the 12^th hidden on a piece of paper in his well greased hair.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES - March 21-April 19

Its time to forgive something or someone, maybe a pet or a bedpost, for wrongs you deem they have done to you. I suggest you make it an elaborate ceremony with candles and all. Embrace chaos in all forms.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

TAURUS - April 20-May 20

The security services in your country could be informed of your troublesome nature, something you have managed to keep off their radar the last 20 years by talking to people far to drunk to remember what you told them the next day.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

GEMINI - May 21-June 21

You will soon realize what hell perfection is, but you brought it on yourself, you minx. While watching a rerun of Airplane, you will be inspired by that old woman who can speak 1970’s jive.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

CANCER -June 22-July 22

You will accidentally add a measure of spirits to a Manhatten cocktail you were making and find that it is simply the best cocktail you have ever tasted. Try as hard as you might you will never be able to recreate that one splendid moment again. That’s your 2012 in a nutshell baby!

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

LEO - July 23- August 22

It is a well known fact, well at least to me, that the way dogs sleep in their baskets is a premonition of things to come. You may have to “google” what Fido is trying to tell you…but all 4 legs up in the air at once is a terrible sign if it isn’t actually dead. In 2012 favor the numbers 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, in any combination.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

2012 is NOT the end of the world as you expected. It is the beginning of a new beginning. It’s your time! Run barefootedly into the sun even if you can’t see where you are treading, all will be well as stones and sharp thorns come under the influence of Mars.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA - September 23-October 22

Outlandish philosophical opinions involving whether a fish knows the difference between right and left is your preferred drunken topic around the 28^th of the month, especially with the bearded(including the unshaven)

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

SCORPIO - October 23-November 21

Your appetites may increase this month as the doctors finally remove the scissors they left inside you during the last operation. Peaches and cream-if only more things were like these 2 beautiful, oft paired delights.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS - November 22-December 21

You don’t have the right to tell anyone what to do, no matter how much you’ve been through or how much you earn. When faced with a lifetime of trauma, remember what your mom always told you…Cats can eat mice, but cant dogs also?

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

Alcohol can be a man’s best friend-not a dog…well, perhaps a dog if he is pickled in alcohol. Everything you say this month will be like a very beautiful flower, spreading its seed amongst cacti.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

The truth is much harder to find than fiction. Don’t be afraid to spread damn dirty lies. This month, your seasonal destiny feels like the lowest berry on the mistletoe.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS - January 20-February 18

Half of what you think you are good at is actually a complete fluke. This month might see the end of your futile efforts to get good at something.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES - February 19-March 20

When hankering for some food, you may decide to experiment with various plants…avoid those with 3 leaves. This festive season, favor mince pies over Yule logs in all situations involving snow.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES - March 21-April 19

Repetition may annoy you this month, as someone you love tells the same damn story over and over again. Riding side saddle on reindeers has rarely been better starred. Have fun! I’d go for Dasher!

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

TAURUS - April 20-May 20

Anything someone says this month that is unkind is probably meant in jest, you dirty bastard! Drug tests should be performed at exactly 6:13 precisely for the results you are looking for.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

GEMINI - May 21-June 21

A good month to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn’t be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy things up. Find yourself a “Screaming Tree”. What is that you ask? It is a tree that you can vent your frustrations at. Need I say more?

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Today you will be struck by the notion that, “life is like one of those little cars the Shriners get to drive”. You have a mind of great depth and profundity.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

LEO - July 23- August 22

More trouble with that annoying “bluebird of happiness” this month. With any luck, the cat will get it. You are a pretty creature; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

Inspiration will strike you and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing about it. Sing a song inside, and to hell with the dark clouds that await you.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA - September 23-October 22

Beware realistic dreams that sound like the plot line to some sort of afternoon movie as the sun gives off flares that whip round the earth and slap you on the head as you sleep on the 7^th. ???? I know, it’s confusing.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

SCORPIO - October 23-November 21

Unruly behavior by some of your closest friends can be solved by using pitch forks. Lots of different shades of grey help you know that metal objects are 3 dimensional.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS - November 22-December 21

Mythology states that all kinds of crazy crap happened. You believe that don’t you? That’s why you’re here. Insure everything you own at 125% of the cost.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

SAGITTARIUS - November 22-December 21

Don’t forget your towel today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks though.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

You will get one of those pre mixed salads in a new high tech bag that “breathes”. Or in this case, wheezes.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS - January 20-February 18

Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is okay, but an interesting foot would have been much better.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES - February 19-March 20

A friend will ask you to give her a ride today to Main Street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES - March 21-April 19

Testing your ability to walk on water should be done at the beach, not in the middle of the Atlantic. This is just an analogy to some part of your life which is not entirely clear to me.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

TAURUS - April 20-May 20

Although you may try to pass yourself off as a second level wizard, your skills are so feeble I doubt you could open a book by only using your tongue.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

GEMINI - May 21-June 21

The number you are thinking of is an odd number below 50. Your patronizing ways will only make someone angry with you. Try to avoid low blows.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Daytime television can motivate you to rethink the monotony of your life. You may decide to pep up your life by taking up a short cookery course.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

LEO - July 23- August 22

You must decide how to continue today, weather it’s by questioning everything that happens, or instead letting it all wash over you like the water from maiden’s bath.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

The feeling in the pit of your stomach is going to explode at noon, or sometimes afterward. Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart; although your teeth will hurt.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA - September 23-October 22

Your ability to think up lies on the spot will be challenged this month. Don’t be afraid to run really fast, problems will catch up, but at least you’ve given yourself a few minutes to think up some bullshit explanation.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

SCORPIO - October 23-November 21

Paper can cut, and words can hurt. Which is why you should burn any mail that comes through the letter box-preferably while still in the postman/woman’s hand.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SCORPIO - October 23-November 21

A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that its a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS - November 22-December 21

Be playful at heart and you will reap the reward of having more friends under the age of 10. Beware of tour guides walking backwards in their guide commentary’s.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

Love is like a sea full of sea turtles. Or at least it should be. If you have not experienced this then its time to look elsewhere or just look harder.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS - January 20-February 18

This month your destiny is like a custard pie in the face thrown by Charlie Chaplin, you are undoubtedly in the presence of greatness, but it is still as uncomfortable and sticky as you expected it to be.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES - February 19-March 20

Your unofficial Paul Simon song writing course is coming along in leaps and bounds, when you discover the way 51^st way to leave your lover on the 25^th.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES - March 21-April 19

Coconut oil is your lucky frying, massage and furniture polish oil this month, especially if frying chicken, doing back rubs, and buffing mahogany tables between the hours of 5-8 pm.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

TAURUS - April 20-May 20

Castigate, prevaricate and masticate are your lucky gate and kate words this month. If you have no idea what F4 does on your computer, this is not the time to try pressing it.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

GEMINI - May 21-June 21

Beware of fat women with noticeable cleavage and arms filled with flowers this month, especially if you look kissable.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

CANCER -June 22-July 22

How many times should you make eye contact during a walk and talk down the street? It’s a difficult one, and Jupiter has the answer for you on the back of a milk carton on the 19^th.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

LEO - July 23- August 22

Welcome pseudo intellectuals with exactly twice the number of kisses on the cheek that they insist on giving you.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

Omega 2, 3 and 18 are your lucky omega oils this month. Your destiny will join the end of the queue like everybody else…

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA - September 23-October 22

Beware realistic dreams that sound like the plot line to some sort of afternoon movie as the sun gives off flares that whip round the earth and slap you on the head as you sleep on the 7^th ???? I know, it’s confusing.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

Jake Gyllenhall continues to be your lucky Hollywood megastar this month, especially when you are trekking through the cold glacial climes and you need to take off your top to walk through freezing water and there is no TV crew to film it all. Machismo like that is rare! And there is no money to be made out of it!

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA - September 23-October 22

Beware of small difficult to control mouth vomits around 1pm on the 18^th of this month. Your destiny is like the most difficult last 2 degrees of a situp. Also, Neptune has left you a message somewhere on the History channel on the 7^th.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

SCORPIO - October 23-November 21

Saturn has left you a message on the local country music station. You have until the rattlesnake rattles for the last time before midnight on the 19^th to do what the message says…take this one seriously my friend.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS - November 22-December 21

Favor the stuffed peppers to the aubergines(eggplant) at any beachside restaurant on the 18^th. Uh oh…”Bursting into Song day” again. Your friends will avoid you. Excellent month to be expansive and benevolent, it will make people worry.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

If you’re not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial “E” will make sure of that. Ed? Ernesto? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS - January 20-February 18

Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know the quiet neighbor with the binoculars. 10 to 1 might seem like fair odds, but then how likely are you to be able to successfully breed Pandas with Llamas? (A Panama?)

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES - February 19-March 20

Opportunity is waiting around every corner. All you have to do is catch up with him, put him in a big box and beat him with a big stick! Always meet people you met on the internet in a dark place…preferably a graveyard or a dark disco.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES - March 21-April 19

This month will leave no stone unturned…in a metaphorical way, that you have to decipher. Please keep your eyes on the exits. Everything you are thinking about will end up getting lost in some sort of fuzzy logic.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

TAURUS - April 20-May 20

A strange Harry Potter like incident involving an owl with a message attached to one of its legs will add a moment of both extreme excitement and anguish as feathers fly like you have just come across some kind of real life Tom and Jerry animal fight. Read the message the owl gives you carefully.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

GEMINI - May 21-June 21

A book is waiting to be bought by you on an internet site that is set to change your life. But which one is it? Jupiter is adamant that you should find out for yourself, and Neptune wants to provide help. Either way, the planets will guide you.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

CANCER -June 22-July 22

On the 18^th, you will be drawn to a happy person who is determined to give you a treat. A chance encounter with an inspired street urchin, or bum, may set you off on a path of no return. Follow him until you are under the bridge, but no further.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

LEO - July 23- August 22

This month your destiny has the ears of a goat, but the tongue of a beauty queen. A favorite pair of socks that you thought you lost last month, will reappear in mysterious circumstances.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

LEO - July 23- August 22

Blues harmonica playing has never been better starred than this month, especially in impromptu nights spent in police cells. Embrace “flowery” people with open arms.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

Beachwear is critically starred this month with a 40% chance of wardrobe malfunction when entering or getting out of swimming pools or the ocean until sunrise on the 26^th.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA - September 23-October 22

Favor states beginning with the letter C this month, especially if you are looking to buy truck loads of peaches, or set up some kind of money laundering operation to pacify a drug baron who is holding a member of your family hostage.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

SCORPIO - October 23-November 21

As the sun starts to increase its activity, your dreams are set to become more blockbusterish than usual. Enjoy, it will be like having a second more interesting life when you sleep at night.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS - November 22-December 21

Avoid big men running fast down Main Street dressed all in white. Give them a wide berth and avoid the instinct to obstruct or trip them up-no good will come of this as Venus takes control of fast moving white objects for the whole month.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

This month your destiny is like a happy Margarita Pizza looking for just one additional topping to complete itself. Of you are ignorant are you blessed? Only with ignorance, my friend.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS - January 20-February 18

Your spine is going to feel a tingly sensation sometime this month and you will not be able to attribute it to anything specific that you did. My gift to you is this wisdom: he who makes love at awkward angle, gets back problem for next day.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES - February 19-March 20

If you lose money this month, you can be assured that the nature of human kindness will mean that you will never see it again. This is because, this month the nature of human kindness is to be as mean as an old woman the day before pension day.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES - March 21-April 19

Love should be grasped like a nettle and embraced like a bulldog. Never let love out of your sight. All of which you have fought will be lost if you cannot control your wang. This will all make sense to you soon.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

TAURUS - April 20-May 20

This year looks like it going to be a good one, full of vigorous situation, sweaty encounters, and dry sweet smelling stop overs in arctic bunkers. Every time you have a weird day you wonder if there is someone out there controlling your destiny. Hmmmm.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

GEMINI - May 21-June 21

During this month, things will suddenly seem brighter, more vivid and happier. People you meet will see the difference in you, wondering, “Have you had a haircut?”, “Facelift?”, “Liposuction?” The truth will be much simpler and exciting then they could possibly understand.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Everything you have done in your life thus far is brilliant and you will get the reward you richly deserve. Presenting yourself with homemade cardboard awards is probably not the sanest way to go about giving yourself a morale boost.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up. You will also find that if you deliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot of questions with either “yes air”, or “nose hair”.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

LEO - July 23- August 22

Homelessness is a very poor way to begin the year, so ensure money is not an issue for you. Gift horses always happen to those who least expect it. The moral of this horoscope its: expect a gift horse. The sounds of fairies in your head are brought on by the alcohol. It may be time to stop drinking this week.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

David Bowie is like you are: gentile, robust, always ready to pop back into the charts by providing backing vocals to pretty much any old schmuck. The similarities between you and Bowie are pretty much endless. You are now as you will be for the rest of your life.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA - September 23-October 22

It’s the start of summer in the northern hemisphere this month, and speedos have never been more poorly starred, especially Baywatch brand red ones. This month you will find a real word that rhymes with orange.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

SCORPIO - October 23-November 21

You are about to be invited to a full tux and white tie dinner. There must be a Dummies book for this, but if there isn’t it looks like the planets are looking at you to write one.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS - November 22-December 21

Avoid pirates with feathers in their hats especially in the Indian Ocean when out on your expensive yacht around dawn on the 8th. In any situation where you need to choose between a skull or crossbones, go for the skull.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

Remember that your hairdresser is not bound by the same client patient privilege that you and your doctor is. This month your destiny has started thinking up a plot for “Hangover 4”!

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS - January 20-February 18

Red haired people and blondes look set to provide you with alternating pleasure and pain this month in various ways, including in shoe shops, at the launderette, and in the chilled meat section of your grocer.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES - February 19-March 20

If you are feeling down, cover your head completely with cotton candy and get an animal with a large tongue to lick it all off. Embrace the swami with the brown eyes and the wispy beard

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES - March 21-April 19

Ask for birth certificates of anyone you have business dealings with, local politicians, and pizza delivery guys, as birtherism sweeps the capitalist world like Donald Trump’s hair caught in a gust of wind.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

TAURUS - April 20-May 20

Don’t blame it on the good times, the night time, or even the boogie until the 7th of next month. “If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance” This is your saying of the month.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

GEMINI - May 21-June 21

Your destiny is like a really really good rap in a different language that you do not understand, but has a catchy beat.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

GEMINI - May 21-June 21

Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the nature of the soul! Get it? People will start to resent your annoying habit of repeating the last funny thing said and then laughing.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Although it may be true that you are being hunted down by pirates, you may wish to avoid using the name “Long Dong Silver”. Brown is your unlucky color this month. Avoid it where possible.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

LEO - July 23- August 22

Wake up, wash your face, change your pants. Life needs a good “start” routine, make this YOURS. Find yourself someone to settle down with this month. Don’t be choosy, just pick at random.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

Loving care is something people write on shampoo bottles. What you need is a good hard boink! Many of the people around you will turn out to be lying scheming bastards this month. Keep your eyes open!

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA - September 23-October 22

To love is to show someone how ridiculous you can be when you let your guard down. Some people will find that attractive. Some people will think you’re a lush who’s to damn easy. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time you come to yours, all the good shapes and sizes will be gone!

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

SCORPIO - October 23-November 21

All your better ideas have already been stolen and used in the past. Which perhaps you should prefix “crackpot” to the unofficial title you give yourself. I sense a feeling of delight in you!

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS - November 22-December 21

We’re seeing broken windows, screaming old people, and a dog walking on its hind legs as if dancing. Does that make any sense to you? Jupiter seems to think it does.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

Beware all Williams and Kate’s until well into the first cock crow of the third week of the month, especially if they serve you in any restaurant with burgers on the menu. This month your destiny has taken a happy pill.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS - January 20-February 18

This month’s workout tips include bending your knees, correctly applying hand wraps and eating spinach backwards while blindfolded. Your destiny is starting to compute.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES - February 19-March 20

This month your destiny wants to shave its head in a Britney Spears type break down. UFO’s are about to enter your life in an unexpected way this month. Especially at times when your ability to video the evidence is at its most difficult.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES - March 21-April 19

Speeches that include meaningless euphemisms, so wide generalizations they could not possibly ever be wrong, and a nice haircut, are your preferred methods of announcing that you intend to stand for president this month.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

TAURUS - April 20-May 20

Performances of the national anthem in front of large crowds has never been better starred, especially after a bottle of wine or at least 7, 5% + beers. Squash all creepy crawlys with your thumb until the 16^th.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

TAURUS - April 20-May 20

As accurate as the weather report might be, you must be careful to avoid the 3011 bus. Danger, excitement, thrills. Even spills. These are all buzz words which may catch your attention this week, possibly in the form of a horoscope. Having reached a personal goal, the future looks rosier for you!

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

GEMINI - May 21-June 21

Animals with big eyes should be avoided as they invariably have pointy claws which could, in the worst cases, grab you by the shoulder and carry you screaming helplessly in the air on the 7^th of the month.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

CANCER -June 22-July 22

As predicted last month, your attempts at interior decorating led to an alcoholic binge 3 points below Charlie Sheen on the party Richter scale. Even though you have cleared up most of the bottles, there are still some arranged in places only a true interior decorator could possibly think of.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

LEO - July 23- August 22

Superman’s cape, but not Superman himself, is your lucky superhero item of clothing this month. Ever wondered what Superman uses his cape for? You are about to find out on Thursday at 5:23 pm in a supermarket parking lot.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

This month your destiny is like a party that has gotten out of hand but isn’t noisy enough for the police to be called yet. Magic card tricks involving the 9 of diamonds are well favored.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA - September 23-October 22

A bank that needed bail out money, a man who always wears a flat cap, and a student wearing a Che Guevara t shirt are 3 signs that the planets are sending this month as a warning…not sure what!

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

SCORPIO - October 23-November 21

Britches, “Yee Harghs”, and slapping your thighs while spitting into a spittoon, are well starred this month as Neptune makes your spitting aim more accurate than ever in history.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS - November 22-December 21

Use everyday food items to defend yourself from Ruffians, street fighters, and pick pocketers. Fruit fighting tip of the month: the eating part of a banana is just as slippery as the skin. Use this knowledge wisely in your battles young warrior!

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

Learning to feel happy when you don’t is one of the secrets to a happy life. The other is to be a millionaire. This month your destiny is harboring a fugitive.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS - January 20-February 18

If you have ever fancied being shot from a cannon, now seems to be the luckiest time to do it as Neptune tilts half a degree or so from the perpendicular. Ensure you wear a crash helmet from the moment you get out of your car.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES - February 19-March 20

A deli in New York is set to name a new sandwich after you with a surprising amount of pickles in it. What are they trying to tell you? Sourpuss! Pick pocketing your own children is your lucky, barely legal activity for much of the month.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES - March 21-April 19

Oddly, the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower. Good time to get involved in Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

ARIES - March 21-April 19

7. For no reason at all, I’m going to throw the number 7 at you. SEVEN. Take everything you’ve got and run like the wind! Chew the cud with some friends this month, their inane chatter may amuse you.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

TAURUS

Your selfish ways will not improve this month as you win a sizeable jackpot in the lottery. Walking to work in a clown costume can help you in your search for humility. It may seem unrelated to your month so far, but remember, the world loves a bastard!

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

GEMINI

Scientists will help you this month by informing you that you can catch love in jars and spread it like a disease. This will cause your heart to leap and you’ll immediately feel like you’ll want to grab the nearest person and slurp their face off.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

CANCER -June 22-July 22

The medical degrees you claim you possess were not worth the 70 Euros you paid for them through PayPal. You might find yourself aching below the knee this month. Angles may become a nuisance on the 10th…especially 90 degree angles.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

LEO

It’s never too late to do that thing you always wanted to do. You know-the THING! The thing? You know. Kissing Swedish style remains your greeting kiss (for both sexes) of choice this month.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO

Furniture with wood like coverings continue to be 2% below completely possessed until well into April-ignore what the devious pseudo-timber is saying, it is trying to break your spirit.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA

Favor porous over non-porous rocks until well into June. You are about to be confronted by a fifteen year old child who apparently knows everything you know, but can remember things much quicker. Be patient.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

SCORPIO

Favor up rather than down on any escalator or moving staircase, especially if you have just over done the free alcohol, or chocolate samples at the supermarket.

Your destiny is like a fly carefully negotiating the great swat of life.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS

You are about to meet your double this month in a bizarre coincidence involving carpeting. Brazil nuts continue to be your lucky nut…especially in any jungle or toll road based endeavors. Man, I shouldn’t have had that wine with lunch!

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

Saturn suggests you draw out the ooo whenever you say hello this month until the 27^th. Chives, jives and hives are all starred this month until Neptune intervenes, and nodding is better than smiling. This is going to be a long month for you.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS

Arguments involving fish, fish fingers, battered fish, fish nuggets, and fish sticks, that used to be called crab sticks, but aren’t anymore because there isn’t any crab in them, (like their ever was!) are starred this month.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES

Barry Manilows spirit is about to have a sudden affect on a decision you are about to make this month that is really important. Now might be the time to put off something once again that you have been putting off for a while.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE