CANCER -June 22-July 22

Happy Birthday to you! Through a casual remark in an elevator…you will realize that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called “How to Irritate People” By the time you reach the 10^th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. This might be a good month to carry your enchanting tool with you… you never know.

IDEAL JOB: CANDLE WICK MAKER

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

LEO

You will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in an unusual place. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon and then eat you! The lesson to be learned here is…stay tuned…

IDEAL JOB: CRASH TEST DUMMY CRASHER

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO

By mid month you will wake to find many small objects on your tile floor which will bring you to an alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in your house. Search though you may, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…this is also a good month to become boisterous, however, avoid obstreperousness, it doesn’t look good on you.

IDEAL JOB: NAIL POLISH COLOR NAMER

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA

You’re lucky animals this month are a moose and an owl, as long as they are seen separately. If seen together, run into a bar or head for the tallest coconut tree you can find since there are no moose in Costa Rica.

IDEAL JOB: ICE CUBE TRAY MOLDER

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

SCORPIO

Lunar tidal exertions will hamper any attempts at a relaxing bath around the 3^rd. Is it possible you have forgotten something important this month? The charts suggest the 14^th is fraught with difficulties involving a card shop and a slow moving old person.

IDEAL JOB: KITTY LITTER MAKER

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS

Lemons are your lucky fruit this month, especially when consumed in a cheesecake or muffin form. Avoid the baking of any new puddings from packets bought at a super market, especially if they are chocolate in nature, or take on the appearance of a healthy Caucasian tan.

IDEAL JOB: JELLY BEAN SORTER

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

Your favored luck-giving dog which you should pet when you see it on the street this month is any small yappy type dog, especially ones dressed in a tartan jacket. Avoid tongue twisters on the 18^th.

IDEAL JOB: BEAN BAG STUFFER

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS

Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one. Lately you will feel blessed with great abundance, like your cup rennet over…basically you will need a bigger cup!

IDEAL JOB: HANGOVER REMEDY TESTER

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES

A neighbor thinks his dog is so smart; it is starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along with a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil.

IDEAL JOB: YOGA GURU

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES

Romance is in the air this month, just over the north of France. If you don’t happen to be near France then chances are you are going to strike out again. However, wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don’t panic yet.

IDEAL JOB: MATTRESS TESTER

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

TAURUS

Your ability to think up lies on the spot will be challenged this month-Don’t be afraid to run really fast-problems will catch up, but at least you’ve given yourself a few minutes to think up some bullshit explanations…good on ya!

IDEAL JOB: COW MILKER

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

GEMINI

Whenever you feel unhappy this month, smile and go to the toilet. This action should soon turn things around for you. Your destiny is in full motion this month, so do not ponder.

IDEAL JOB: CORN HUSKER

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

GEMINI

Another birthday has arrived…Large tongued Gemini dogs will come your way in overly affectionate encounters, particularly after early supper, bowl-of-water-lick, or mid evening walkies until well into July. Embrace these moments, as we all know that love comes in many different forms and we should take what we can get!

BEST LOVE TIME: ALL OF JUNE

COMPATIBILITY: SCORPIOS OR LIBRAS

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in soaps and detergents, and that its culinary use started at a joke—it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it!

BEST LOVE TIME: JUNE 10^TH EARLY AM

COMPATIBILITY: LEO

LEO

Try being entirely honest for a week. That’s a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally I prefer my method though—a poor memory!

Performing a magic card trick this month may have people looking at you in a new magical light!

BEST LOVE TIME: JUNE 7^TH 4PM

COMPATIBILITY: TAURUS

VIRGO

Sunflower, peanut, but not walnut oils are your preferred frying oils this month, especially when flipping the contents in the pan is required in any Jamie Oliver cooking performance. Virgo dealers…you know who you are…should hide their stash securely on the 18^th!

BEST LOVE TIME: JUNE 1^ST 3AM

COMPATIBILITY: PISCES

LIBRA

Moments of pure vitriol, the red anger they told you about in Anger Management courses the judge sent you on are set to pepper this month with moments of counting slowly from 1 to 10. Your destiny is like a small fish ambitiously aiming to move up the food chain in the next 5 years.

BEST LOVE TIME: JUNE 30^TH ALL DAY

COMPATIBILITY: GEMINI

SCORPIO

What you need right now is a period of blind faith and what looks like cherries, as Saturn and Neptune become aligned in your chart it is becoming increasingly difficult to read…

Seminal moments are superbly starred this month in any red-lit situations, especially dawns and when tambourines are playing!

BEST LOVE TIME: 1 HOUR AT DUSK

COMPATIBILITY: GEMINI OR ARIES

SAGITTARIUS

Yawns, loud sighs and slurping your tongue with your lips and saying “num num” is pretty much the extent of this month for you. You will be tempted to go against ages old advice and teach an old dog a new trick. Saturn will let you know if you are successful or not.

BEST LOVE TIME: JUNE 3^RD WHEN THE GALLO CROWS

COMPATIBILITY: VIRGO

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

An ongoing gang feud, neighbor from hell argument or an encounter with a shelf stacker in the supermarket, indicates that your need for a period of quiet reflection is needed again once the storm has passed. Cushions, a hot drink, and a really stupidly loyal pet will probably do the trick.

BEST LOVE TIME: JUNE 14^TH AFTER BREAKFAST

COMPATIBILITY: CANCER

AQUARIUS

Truffles, trifles, and Trans fatty acids continue to be highly favored, especially in high class dress up to the 9’s parties, luncheons, or power suppers.

“I intend to”, “If at all possible”, and “I’ll pencil it in my diary” are your favored weasel phrases this month.

BEST LOVE TIME: JUNE 21^ST AT SUNSET

COMPATIBILITY: LIBRA

PISCES

Now may be the time to learn how to do one of those backwards somersaults from a standing on your feet to a standing on your feet position. Sounds unlike you? That’s because Jupiter has been stopping you even thinking about trying this cool exercise…until now that is!

BEST LOVE TIME: JUNE 4^TH AFTER CHURCH

COMPATIBILITY: AQUARIUS

ARIES

Double kisses on the cheek greetings, like Russians do, are not well starred this month. Use your discretion, and hope Saturn has your back in any subsequent shootouts! Fruits of all shapes, colors and sizes are favorable.

BEST LOVE TIME: JUNE 17^TH 4, 5, 6, PM

COMPATIBILITY: SCORPIO

TAURUS

Sometimes it may seem like you are taking two steps backwards for each step forward. If you are actually taking 2 steps back for every step forward then it might be a good idea to walk to where you want to go to backwards-you will get there faster.

BEST LOVE TIME: JUNE 9^TH AFTER WORK

COMPATIBILITY: CAPRICORN OR LEO

TAURUS

Happy Birthday all my fellow Taureans! For those of you that don’t know, we are ruled by the planet Venus (the love planet), the stoic bull (hence our stubbornness) the color green, and our bodies are ruled by our ears, nose and throat. We LOVE money, comforts and food, not necessarily in that order…so go and buy yourself a lottery ticket and pamper yourself cause this is definitely your year! Be contented destiny wise.

CELEBRITY TAURUS: Stevie Wonder

LUCKY NUMBERS: Any and all combinations of 2-5-7

GEMINI

This month you will join the political action group “Whiners for Peace”, and will call up your senator’s office and whine at them. Don’t forget to sign up for the big “Pout Out” next month! You are being watched by a large penguin, act normal.

CELEBRITY GEMINI: Dennis Rodman

LUCKY NUMBERS: 34, 5, 9

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Your favorite color will start to look a little different this month…not sure why. Don’t try to tell people how to live their lives! Your life is your own and you should feel perfectly free to bugger it up royally if you so choose!

CELEBRITY CANCER: Toby Keith

LUCKY NUMBERS: Only the number 1

LEO

Today you will be seized by inspiration and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that “poetic” is the name of your car! You will also be forced to reevaluate your boss’s IQ when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II”. Hmmmmm

CELEBRITY LEO: Loni Anderson

LUCKY NUMBERS: 9 AND 909

VIRGO

Electronics and machinery will start to misbehave for you this month. Any time you feel restless this week, try to imagine what it would be like to take Viagra and Ritalin at the same time!

CELEBRITY VIRGO: Hugh Grant

LUCKY NUMBERS: ANYTHING WITH A 0 IN IT

LIBRA

A horoscope, (not this one of course) will affect your decisions this month as love will strike on your heart and make you ask someone out, someone you would have never previously had the heart to ask out. They’ll still deny you your wishes but they may have an ugly step brother/sister who they reckon needs a “good seeing to”.

CELEBRITY LIBRA: Tommy Lee

LUCKY NUMBERS: 8,9,10

SCORPIO

The cigarette burn mark on your arm may fade over the coming days and will be replaced by a young lady swathed in roses. Do you remember anything from that party? Falling in love is an absolute blessing and will fill your heart with sugar plums, fairies and pretty flowers…I too was at that party!

CELEBRITY SCORPIO: Bo Derek

LUCKY NUMBERS: ANYTHING WITH AN 8 IN IT

SAGITTARIUS

Your sub conscience may decide to rebel against you this month and force you to re-remember everything you had managed to block out. Put your mental abilities to the test today and try to figure out how best to spend the money you have in a non frivolous way.

CELEBRITY SAGITTARIUS: Clay Aiken

LUCKY NUMBERS: 29 OR COMBO OF

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

The night may seem like a safe time to parade through the streets of Quepos naked; however you may find there are some that oppose your freedom. Well, actually probably not…go for it! Excellent month to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.

CELEBRITY CAPRICORN: Kristie Ally

LUCKY NUMBERS: 7 3 6

AQUARIUS

It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Go out and buy yourself 7 different kinds of mustard and try them on oven baked potatoes or on sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables, and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant!

CELEBRITY AQUARIUS: Garth Brookes

LUCKY NUMBERS: 88

PISCES

You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one. Everyone you see this month will be “power walking”. Ignore them…they are just trying to get on your nerves!

CELEBRITY PISCES: Seal

LUCKY NUMBERS: 77

ARIES

This is a good month to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That’s how most of them get started. And Ropa Americana would be a great place to start your search.

CELEBRITY ARIES: Kerri Russel

LUCKY NUMBERS: NONE LUCKY THIS MONTH… go with letters

ARIES - March 21-April 19

Happy Birthday you gorgeous Ram! Not only are you HOT this month, you are also oh so clever. You will invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will smartly name “Nighty Knight”! Let’s hope it goes over well, you could use the money! Invest in yourself and silver since you most likely can’t afford gold, and the dollar is in the toilet.

CELEBRITY ARIES: Julia Styles

IDEAL JOB: Donut Hole Cutter

TAURUS

This month you will become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s and will change your name to “Sunflower”. That is SO Taurus of you! Focus on variety this month, give the chocolate lobster tail a try and accept love and sugar graciously. Sweet baby Sweet!

CELEBRITY TAURUS: Eva Peron

IDEAL JOB: Ripened Fruit Checker

GEMINI

A co-worker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”! Your clutter karma is at an all time high…small children and pets are in danger. This month your destiny has a twist you will not be expecting!

CELEBRITY GEMINI: Gene Wilder

IDEAL JOB: Wrist Watch Winder (say that real fast…I dare you)

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Excellent month to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named “Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm”. You don’t need to read it, but it will be fun to leave around where people will notice it. This month your destiny is going on a picnic! Bring your aunt’s potato salad and of course that book.

CELEBRITY CANCER: Nelson Mandela

IDEAL JOB: Jockey

LEO

As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you this month. Slicing vegetables back and forth is preferred to the left and right this month with  a finger cut warning in place for more days than not. Get someone else to cut your veggies! Or just go veggie free this month.

CELEBRITY LEO: Jerry Garcia

IDEAL JOB: Cow Milker

VIRGO

You’ve been getting a little tired of the same old “look” day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? Ill bet people with tattoos never get tired of em! I’m thinking a big rooster in the center of your back would be a great conversation piece! Look whose the big “Gallo” now!!!! (brush up on your Spanish if you don’t know the word).

CELEBRITY VIRGO: Michael Jackson

IDEAL JOB: Grasshopper Farmer

LIBRA

Ever heard of the phrase “Up sh*ts creek?” Well consider this month more of a poopy puddle, leave your good shoes at home. The middle of the month is a great time to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussel sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People…”

CELEBRITY LIBRA: Heather Locklear

IDEAL JOB: Trapeze Artist

SCORPIO

A sixty something Fame wannabe is about to influence you in a driving decision this month. Beware of legwarmers in all colors, apart from the bright green and pink, coming in all directions at intersections. Do not buy oranges from street vendors on the 12^th as they are “off”.

CELEBRITY SCORPIO: Bill Gates

IDEAL JOB: Trampoline Tester

SAGITTARIUS

Your application to be frozen in your local cryogenics freezer-farm has been accepted; however you will have second thoughts about this after the 23^rd. Avoid underground caves, alcohol and potato chips and do not attempt any back flipping in your Yogic Boxing DVD workout unless you are being supervised.

CELEBRITY SAGITTARIUS: JFK

IDEAL JOB: Halloween Costume Maker

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

When looking to buy a pet on the 16^th, you will be drawn to a cute puppy with a small limp and a shiny nose, name him Lenny and pat him liberally around the waist.This month your destiny has a decision to make about sequins.

CELEBRITY CAPRICORN: Mel Gibson

IDEAL JOB: Fish Monger

AQUARIUS

You will be drawn to heavy metal music this month, including the fashionable long hair, beard, and/or rock chick look. It might be a good idea to put on a few pounds of fat for the inevitable bar brawls that will most likely take place. This month your destiny is in a field with around 90 under milked cows bursting to please the milk maid.

CELEBRITY AQUARIUS: Boris Yeltsin

IDEAL JOB: Professional Yodeler

PISCES

This will be a laugh filled month as you will finally learn the gift that is being able to laugh at yourself. You are truly blessed. Consternation over something that is not your problem will once again come to the fore. Bake a fruit pie, as long as it is not blueberry or apple, everything should turn out fine.

CELEBRITY PISCES: Harry Bellefonte

IDEAL JOB: Pineapple Farmer

PISCES - February 19-March 20

You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls-most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner. How did you get that invite by the way? YOUR people are obviously bigger than MY people!

CELEBRITY PISCES: Jack the Ripper

LUCKY SONG: “My Ding a Ling” (who sang that?)

ARIES

You will rest peacefully on the second week of this month and sink into a strange dream. In the dream you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light, ok? The extra point isn’t worth it.

CELEBRITY ARIES: Tiny Tim

LUCKY SONG: “Lick it Up” (KISS)

TAURUS

In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.

CELEBRITY TAURUS: Paula Rubio

LUCKY SONG: “Great Balls Of Fire” (Jerry Lee Lewis)

GEMINI

Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is LOVE, one is TRUST, one is SHARED PLEASURES, and one is SHARED DREAMS. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

This month is also Secret Society Month. Don’t join-no matter how much you like the secret handshake.

CELEBRITY GEMINI: Peter Pan

LUCKY SONG: “Blue Suede Shoes” (Elvis)

CANCER -June 22-July 22

This month you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come and explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive-a better offer will soon arrive from an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monestary.

CELEBRITY CANCER: Sam Shepard

LUCKY SONG: “Wasn’t That A Party” (Oakridge Boys)

LEO

You will sneak out one evening this month with a box of papayas under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up you will remember nothing about it. However, throughout the day you will find those slimy little black papaya seeds everywhere-your garbage, in your shoes, stuck in your toothbrush. You don’t even like this perfumey fruit-I think this may be a sign to give them another try!

CELEBRITY LEO: Little Red Riding Hood

LUCKY SONG: “Did I Shave My Legs For This” (Deena Carter)

VIRGO

This month is paper airplane month. Have as much fun as you can stand…next month will be ugly. On the positive side, the mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca King), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions on the 17^th. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Imodium.

CELEBRITY VIRGO: Gene Simmons

LUCKY SONG: “Poker Face” (Lady Gaga)

LIBRA

Remember that this month 2 wrongs don’t make a right. But 3 do.

I know your requests are being ignored…often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or DIE SCREAMING.”  It always works for me!

CELEBRITY LIBRA: Hillary Duff

LUCKY SONG: “Get This Party Started” (Pink)

SCORPIO

This is a great month to do unusual things. For starters, stand on a sidewalk, near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You’ll meet some interesting people that way….it is also a good month to make Mexican Food. Just don’t drink the water! I’m thinking Hot and Spicy Mexican Tortilla Soup with sour cream! YUM!

CELEBRITY SCORPIO: Neil Young

LUCKY SONG: “Stir It Up” (Bob Marley)

SAGITTARIUS

Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You will find that is particularly true this month.

You know that job interview you have? I have an idea…Eat a bunch of Oreos just before, and smile a lot. They will spend their time staring at your teeth that way and not at your resume.

CELEBRITY SAGITTARIUS: Bruce Lee

LUCKY SONG: “Elvira” (Oakridge Boys)

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

While cracking your knuckles this month, you will be startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. It really is a bad habit you know, perhaps you should quit the whole thing all together.

CELEBRITY CAPRICORN: Mary J Blige

LUCKY SONG: “Cover of the Rolling Stone” (Dr. Hook)

AQUARIUS

A very pudgy cat will annoy you this month, and inspiration will strike you at the same time, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing, and the two are not at all related, just a strange turn of events is all.

CELEBRITY AQUARIUS: Diane Lane

LUCKY SONG: Any Wizard of Oz song

AQUARIUS - January 20-February 18

You will invite a group of 11 to a dinner party at your house on the 10^th, but only 2 hours before they arrive your oven will stop working all of a sudden. Panic? Don’t panic, it’s all the same in the planetary scheme of things…give your guests lots to drink and send out for pizza, only 3 will notice your plight.

This is a good month to doodle.

CELEBRITY AQUARIUS: Ellen DeGeneres

IDEAL JOB: Citrus Fruit Colorer

PISCES

Your DVD player will cause confusion this month with the remote control jumbling up all of the controls in a random fashion. There is no point in returning the appliance to the electrical store as you will be mocked by a spotty teen who will not believe a word you are saying, probably because you need to upgrade your Spanish…change the batteries and hope for the best!

CELEBRITY PISCES: Billy Zane

IDEAL JOB: Odor Judger

ARIES

You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened cornflakes however. Exercise has never really been your thing, this month you will try your hand at power walking. Not only does it look silly, it IS silly!! Stick with it!

CELEBRITY ARIES: Fergie

IDEAL JOB: Whiskey Ambassador

TAURUS

You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.

This month you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure!

CELEBRITY TAURUS: The Rock

IDEAL JOB: Smog Tech

GEMINI

Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold and nothing to worry about. A man with a single eyebrow will follow you all around town. Could life get any stranger for you lately?

CELEBRITY GEMINI: Prince

IDEAL JOB: Laughter Therapist

CANCER -June 22-July 22

It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said “The Geek shall inherit the earth”, but was just misquoted? Then you’ll think of Bill Gates. Then you’ll start to worry. A man named Tyrone will try to sell you a vacuum cleaner this month.

CELEBRITY CANCER: Michael Phelps

IDEAL JOB: Bonsai Gardener

LEO

This month you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN instead. This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Be sure to buy the right hat for this endeavor.

CELEBRITY LEO: Madonna

IDEAL JOB: Girl Scout Cookie Vender

VIRGO

Remember loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky!

You will hear a strange “clicking” sound this month as you are walking through your kitchen…perhaps it’s time to trim those toenails after all.

CELEBRITY VIRGO: Prince Harry

IDEAL JOB: Pet Spa Owner

LIBRA

This is a good month to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. Your disco days are coming back in a BIG way!

CELEBRITY LIBRA: Sharon Osborne

IDEAL JOB: Mall Santa

SCORPIO

Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Perogies based on your grandmothers recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwarp you with her umbrella when she finds out.

CELEBRITY SCORPIO: Larry Flynt

IDEAL JOB: Piano Mover

SAGITTARIUS

Family problems again. It will be just like that Rolling Stone song about how you “Can’t always get what you wa-ant”, except in this case, you can replace one of the words with “Ever”. Try being positive and future-focused. Also pretend you don’t speak English.

CELEBRITY SAGITTARIUS: Taylor Swift

IDEAL JOB: Tattoo Artist

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

This will be a fairly peculiar month for you. You’ll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of cashews and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic bags…oh, I guess that isn’t really considered strange in this country!

CELEBRITY CAPRICORN: Tiger Woods aka (Cheetah)

IDEAL JOB: Xmas Tree Farmer

CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19

As we all ring in the New Year together, you can also celebrate another year of growing older! Lucky You! 2010 is set to be your year to shine, a “come back” you might say. Forget about your New Year’s resolutions…I think the Mayans might be onto something, and if so, we only have 2 good years left…so go on…smoke your laughin lettuce, eat till it hurts, and have a little rum in your egg nog!

CELEBRITY CAPRICORN: Daffy Duck

IDEAL JOB: Cactus Thorn Picker outer

AQUARIUS

Temptation looms high over the agenda this month as you suddenly notice that your colleague has a rather nice bottom and appears to make you need to stare at it constantly…don’t worry, the next 2 months are FULL of these types of temptations, but you will rise above it and veer out of the way in the most tempting of situation!

CELEBRITY AQUARIUS: Goofy

IDEAL JOB: Flamethrower

PISCES

Horses, cows and hens are all well starred this month, apart from their manure of course! There is a global open toe shoe warning in place all month.

Your tune to hum or whistle this month will be any David Cassidy tune from 1972.

CELEBRITY PISCES: Road Runner

IDEAL JOB: Snowflake Counter

ARIES

You will leave a tongue twister half finished this month following a complicated confusion involving a hat, a pot plant, and miscellaneous juggling objects, some of which are on fire.

Is it time for a change? The stars suggest now could be the time, or the time could be another time????

CELEBRITY ARIES: Sponge Bob Squarepants

IDEAL JOB: Gingerbread House Maker

TAURUS

You are about to discover a mint that will change your life. Trouble is, you won’t be able to stop talking about it. Is the mint the life changing thing or is it the boring of others about it. Only you and Saturn can square the circle on this riddle this month.

CELEBRITY TAURUS: Yogi Bear

IDEAL JOB: Snake Charmer

GEMINI

There is some good news waiting for you in the form of a Buffalo. Perhaps you know what we are talking about, perhaps not. Mars may have a plan that might just work.

CELEBRITY GEMINI: Wizard of Oz

IDEAL JOB: Tight Rope Walker

CANCER -June 22-July 22

You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

CELEBRITY CANCER: Kermit the Frog

IDEAL JOB: High rise Window Washer

LEO

Dance like a madman, win the respect of colleagues and foes. When Elvis sang, it was like he was thinking of you. Oh yes, especially when he does those “groin dips”!

CELEBRITY LEO: Elmer Fudd

IDEAL JOB: Price is Right Host

VIRGO

Small shrubbery’s and bushes offering berry fruits will draw you into the outdoors after the 6^th, and may indirectly encourage you to start reading raunchy late 19^th century fiction involving Ladies of the Manor and their hunky game keepers who chop wood with their shirts off!

CELEBRITY VIRGO: Garfield the Cat

IDEAL JOB: BBQ tester

LIBRA

A dongle, a woggle or possibly even a muggle are all starred this month for any recreational activity, but beware anyone who comes to your door selling any of these things.

CELEBRITY LIBRA: Scooby Doo

IDEAL JOB: Hot Dog Vender

SCORPIO

Garlic, silver bullets and red painted star-like diagrams on the floor will add a new dimension to your housekeeping endeavors.

Beware of men, women, and websites that pretend to know your future-apart from this horoscope of course!

CELEBRITY SCORPIO: Betty Boop

IDEAL JOB: Soup Stirrer

SAGITTARIUS

Congestion, perhaps involving road traffic, problems with your cell phone network or possibly mucus are all set to pepper this month with problems of the waiting, waiting and coughing-sneezing kind.

CELEBRITY SAGITTARIUS: Frankenstein

IDEAL JOB: Store Mannequin

SAGITTARIUS - November 22-December 21

Happy Birthday and Merry Xmas! You have a lot to celebrate this year. This month will be a strange one for you…the smell of Evergreen trees has an intense yet subtle effect on you. You may find yourself wanting to snuggle up to stuffed animals and drinking copious amounts of Egg Nog with the little marshmellows in them…this is fine in small quantities, but please remember to give back those stuffed animals when you are done squeezing them.

CELEBRITY SAGITTARIUS: Scarlett Johannsen

IDEAL JOB: Citrus fruit dryer

CAPRICORN

Whilst making breakfast in your skivvies you will realize one of your legs is considerably shorter than the other one. You’ve been tilting all this time and have been fine, so don’t worry about it. In some cultures, standing wonky is extremely arousing…somewhere…I’m sure of it!

CELEBRITY CAPRICORN: Tracy Ullman

IDEAL JOB: Crocodile Wrangler

AQUARIUS

Every so often some inspired individual will shed his clothes and show everyone in the surrounding environs what “God gave em”. You too are about to go on a streak, but it will be one of those lucky kinds as opposed to the naked kind. At least you won’t get tackled by cops, and that in itself is a brush of good luck!

CELEBRITY AQUARIUS: Vanessa Redgrave

IDEAL JOB: Fortune Cookie Writer

PISCES

Today you reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbors place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find is very bad news indeed…your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny!

CELEBRITY PISCES: Harry Bellefonte

IDEAL JOB: Imax Screen Cleaner

ARIES

Music boxes have a message to input if only you had time and vibration skills to understand what they are telling you. Pluto is in your corner trying to work it all out.

Barnacles, boulders and fruits are all “B” words set to pepper your month with meaning. Pay special attention to Boysenberry’s and Blackberry’s while strolling the market…if not in season…this too is another sign.

CELEBRITY ARIES: Vince Vaghn

IDEAL JOB: Professional Whistler

TAURUS

If there is one star sign that the term “boom or bust” refers to it is Taurus. You are the action man, woman, of the zodiac, and you know all there is to know about financial, as well as actual, bubbles. You guessed it, you are about to embark on a deal that involves a bubble making machine. Go with your instinct. All your neighbors will be proud, and somewhat jealous. Good luck with that!

CELEBRITY TAURUS: Busta Rhymes

IDEAL JOB: Fountain Pen Repairer

GEMINI

Are visions of sugar plums dancing in your head? What the heck are sugar plums anyway? No worries…this month you will bake more goodies, pies, and perhaps sugar plums than you ever thought possible, which is odd because baking has never been your passion. Remember baking soda and baking powder is NOT the same thing.

CELEBRITY GEMINI: Stevie Nicks

IDEAL JOB: Snake Milker

CANCER

The months of training for your boy band performance at the company Christmas party will pay off handsomely this month. Whilst a talent scout will (accidentally) see your performance, he will not deem it sufficient for any recording deals. Don’t give up just yet. The New Year holds some pleasant surprises for you in the talent areas of your life.

CELEBRITY CANCER: Randy Jackson

IDEAL JOB: Wrinkle Chaser

LEO

Your creative juices have never been more flowing. After last month’s dabble in song writing, this month you will invent a Christmas decoration using egg cartons and hair from your pet bunny rabbit. This will, over the next twenty years, become a standard part of Christmas celebrations in the US as well as some foreign countries and particularly in homes where bunny rabbits are openly worshipped.

CELEBRITY LEO: Dorthy Hamill

IDEAL JOB: Furniture Tester

VIRGO

Whilst inflating a balloon this month you will suddenly remember something important and run from the room, forgetting that the balloon is still in your mouth. It’s such a shame that car crash bags have already been invented or you could have made a fortune from your forthcoming discovery. “The Walking Personal Airbag.” I think you may be onto something.

CELEBRITY VIRGO: Fiona Apple

IDEAL JOB: Adult Store Attendant

LIBRA

Good advise that you have ignored in times past by using the method of putting your fingers in your ears, closing your eyes and saying to yourself “I’m not listening”, are set to provide trouble this month. You should have listened to a rant inspired by Jupiter last month. Batten down the hatches! This month your destiny wears the in-ear headphones of a Piscean who refuses to change.

CELEBRITY LIBRA: Bryant Gumble

IDEAL JOB: Braille Translator

SCORPIO

This is a month to reflect…Is your job really that bad? Have sales really been down by a landslide? Have you been paying a little too much attention to your partners’ faults? Though you’re not normally so forgiving, December is your month to let it all go…clear your mind and try that new soup recipe you’ve been thinking about. That’s right…I’m telling you to COOK a pot of soup…and warm your soul with a good bottle of wine!

CELEBRITY SCORPIO: Kevin Kline

IDEAL JOB: Dice Inspector

SCORPIO - October 23-November 21

Woop! Woop! It’s your Birthday! The phrase “having your cake and eating it too” has always troubled you…Today, cakes all have a “best before” date on them, so if you don’t eat your cake before the date-guess what? You lose your cake! My point? The planets are trying to tell you to make the most of time, and don’t listen to old sayings about cake from elderly people.

It’s also time to lower your standards regarding love, be aware that marrying your own pets is not allowed in most countries!

CELEBRITY SCORPIO: Theodore Roosevelt

IDEAL JOB: Royals for the throne

SAGITTARIUS

Someone who looks just 25% like a movie star is about to pepper your month with romance, intrigue, or just may buy you a pint in the pub or bar. You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish/English dictionary before you pack your bags…

CELEBRITY SAGITTARIUS: Ali Baba

IDEAL JOB: Yoga Guru

CAPRICORN

A person you splashed in your car when you went through a puddle a while ago is about to get their revenge in an equally watery way…It is a good month to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your buildings as “port” and “starboard”.

You will notice a photo on a colleague’s desk and comment “I’ve never cared for those hairless cats”. That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy and new parents can be a bit touchy.

CELEBRITY CAPRICORN: Daffy Duck

IDEAL JOB: Lottery Ticket Vendor

AQUARIUS

Milkshakes using vegetables instead of fruits are well favored this month-yes they taste awful –especially the potato milkshake! You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

CELEBRITY AQUARIUS: Abe Lincoln

IDEAL JOB: Wizard

PISCES

You will take a wrong turn today and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Honduras, along with other people who have little sense of direction. It will be okay, providing you like rice and beans and hot weather.

Beware of lightening this month! Either stay indoors or leave your aluminum foil hat behind!

CELEBRITY PISCES: Jerry Lewis

IDEAL JOB: Potato Digger

ARIES

You should give your car a name so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid” and always do that little 2 finger wave and say “engage” when you start off of course!

You will have left over lasagna for lunch on the 17^th. This will be odd because you do not remember the lasagna being made in the first place…just one of those things that haunt you in life.

CELEBRITY ARIES: Charlie Chaplin

IDEAL JOB: Athlete

TAURUS

Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire month, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.

A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you will never see it move. Don’t you just hate that? The 16^th will be a good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf soup for lunch.

CELEBRITY TAURUS: Nicolai Lenin

IDEAL JOB: Shepard

GEMINI

Having trouble sticking to that diet? It’s even harder when you see all those yummy commercials on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination-mayonnaise becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes compressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth! The 21^st is a good day to go on a voyage of self discovery. Try to be back by dinner.

CELEBRITY GEMINI: Johnny Depp

IDEAL JOB: Comedian

CANCER

You will invent a new sort of optical illusion this month, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement! Your creative juices are flowing this month and there is no end to what you can accomplish…in a pure stroke of marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh roasted peanut butter door to door. Your clients may find the peanut costume a bit much.

CELEBRITY CANCER: King Henry VIII

IDEAL JOB: Gangster

LEO

You will be misidentified on national TV as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you long distance to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.

You will discover a few small flaws in your character this month. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, a few gallons of cheap wine should do the trick!

CELEBRITY LEO: Aldous Huxley

IDEAL JOB: Fiction Writer

VIRGO

Today you will discover a little book called “1001 Names for Your Pet”. You should probably name your next pet either “Pope John Paul” or “No Clothes On”.

That way you can say things like “Pope John Paul peed on the rug again”, or “Im going for a walk with No Clothes On!”

CELEBRITY VIRGO: Stephen King

IDEAL JOB: Rat Catcher

LIBRA

This month you will become a digger. Dig. Dig. Dig. That’s all you will think about for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond 27 feet down and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you give me ANY credit of course!

Small, fluffy animals will come over and lean on you this month. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and telling you that you are furniture!

CELEBRITY LIBRA: Bridgette Bardot

IDEAL JOB: Nudist

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

This will be a VERY happy 2 months for you. After all, it is your birthday! And you know what they’ve been saying about that for a thousand of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me like Happy!” Cartwheels, hand stands, head stands, single arm press ups, sit ups, and sand castles the shape of gymnasiums are well starred. Take note, perhaps you could use a little exercise?

CELEBRITY VIRGO: Ione Skye

PROS: Smart /CONS: Perfectionist

LIBRA

“Geronimo!”, “Yahooooooo!” but NOT “Weee!” are the best ways to show extreme enjoyment such as when catching that big fish, canopying across the jungle, or jumping suddenly into water. This month your destiny has a lisp and is determined to say MISSISSIPPI…don’t worry about it…make yourself a coffee, sit down and read the internet, hell…its what you do everyday right? While you’re at it, make yourself a birthday cake, the chocolate and fattening kind cause no one celebrates birthdays with gusto after sweet 16!

CELEBRITY LIBRA: Shaun Cassidy

PROS: Harmonious /CONS: Procrastinator

SCORPIO

Your concerns for the environment will be put into second place to your need to organize a smoky BBQ on the 18th. This could herald a violent end to a fish, a sausage, or possibly a beef burger. Going out and coming back home again are well starred for the whole month. Get used to seeing bruises over the next few weeks, as you and furniture begin not seeing eye to eye.

CELEBRITY SCORPIO: Goldie Hawn

PROS: Romantic /CONS: Self Centered

SAGITTARIUS

The “Hokie Pokie” and indeed any dance that requires grown straight men to hold each others hands are favorable-especially when putting your left leg in and shakin it all about. Haciendas, olive groves and red drinks with pieces of fruit floating in them are dangerously starred when occurring together until well into September 2010.

CELEBRITY SAGITTARIUS: Donny Osmond

PROS: Good Natured /CONS: Impatient

CAPRICORN

The next 2 months your destiny is like a fruit basket past its “best before” date- outwardly filled with promise but with the danger of a squashy one where you don’t expect it. History, geography, but not physics are high school subjects that will offer intellectual solace in an otherwise humdrum month.

CELEBRITY CAPRICORN: Nicolas Cage

PROS: Gentle/CONS: Act before thinking

AQUARIUS

Jupiter is planning to invite all Aquarius to celebrate its upcoming 5 billionth birthday with a party. It’s all pretty vague at the moment as is the exact date of its birth, but pencil in a party give or take a couple million years from this month.

Your destiny will jump to a conclusion this month!

CELEBRITY AQUARIUS: Geena Davis

PROS: Sweetheart /CONS: Rebellious

PISCES

When setting off on long to middling walks, Pluto suggests starting off on the left leg. Do this and the planet promises rewards a plenty. Beetles, lizards and insects that hiss or nip with long pincers when they are angry are well favored.

Translation?…skip the evening nature walks or visiting anyone whose house is completely made of old rotting wood.

CELEBRITY PISCES: Smoky Robinson

PROS: Peacekeepers /CONS: Unrealistic

ARIES

You will be in constant motion for the following months ahead, and you’ll leave a wake of cuties behind you. Keep it up and one of them might snap you into a new way of thinking about the world. Watch out for vines this month. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it’s too late!

CELEBRITY ARIES: Maya Angelou

PROS: Spontaneous /CONS: Short Fuse

TAURUS

Greetings, including hearty hugs, and slaps on the back are perfectly starred in moderate measure, as are kisses on the cheeks, but only in Latin American countries. Sumo sized people will become increasingly attracted to you as the month goes on. Avoid throwing sand over your shoulder as it will only encourage them.

CELEBRITY TAURUS: Bono

PROS: Great Friends /CONS: Ferocious Temper Tantrums

GEMINI

Long words that end in “ick” or “ia” are encouraged this month, as are your chances of success if you were to enter any spelling competitions. Brown is your unlucky color for the next few months. Avoid it wherever possible. Moldy coffee cups may not be breeding the penicillin you hope they are!

Fortune will smile upon you; actually it will be more of a smirk.

CELEBRITY GEMINI: Tom Jones

PROS: Versatile /CONS: Nervous and tense

CANCER

A hostage situation, or maybe you have locked yourself out again, is in prospect this month. Someone will also approach you in the latter part of September with an attitude you cannot get along with at all. Bite you tongue and bear with it…this person has some interesting news coming your way…

Your destiny has a slight case of the heebie jeebies.

CELEBRITY CANCER: Lil Kim

PROS: Protector /CONS: Cautious

LEO

A bottle of red, a bottle of white! The only drink for those who are addicted to beer but worried about the size of their gut. I know a good supplier!

You have achieved what most of us only dream about-you are a star! If its tasty then lap it up, if not, well don’t-this is the best course of action.

This month your destiny has its fingers in a number of pies!

CELEBRITY LEO: Ben Affleck