by Matt Casseday

So there I was, strapped to a gurney in the Quepos hospital. My bata was askew, private parts exposed, and a self-assured man in a green surgical suit was fitting a breathing apparatus over my nose and mouth. “Respire profundo”, he ordered, and I took one, two, three deep breaths. As consciousness slipped away, brutally and rapidly, my last thought was: `This must be what its like to die.´

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Filed under: Crazy From the Heat, Matt Casseday on June 23rd, 2010
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by Matt Casseday

Every year at about this time, I begin to understand why hair grows inside the nose. On the surface, few things are more unattractive than visible nostril hairs. How many times have you ever heard a woman say, ”I fell for that man as soon as I saw all those adorable strands of hair curling from his nostrils”? Likely never, unless she lived in the part of the world where she could only appear in public wearing a burqa. But here in Costa Rica, as we reach the latter days of the dry season, I appreciate my nose hairs for the function they perform, namely as a filter that keeps dust and dirt out of the nasal passages. When I ride my bicycle in and out of Quepos over several kilometers of unpaved road, I thank that little follicle forest within each nostril that enables me to breathe with confidence (confidence that I won´t end up in the emergency room with an oxygen mask strapped to my face). Dust is a daily reality at this time of year, and after 15 years of living here, I have come to accept its inevitability; like death and potholes, it will always be with us. (more…)

Filed under: Crazy From the Heat, Matt Casseday on April 8th, 2010
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by Matt Casseday

One day last week, I had to pay visits to three different government offices. I spent a lot of the day seated, waiting and waiting for my number to be called. Each office was similar: A casher seated behind a plexiglas window; an armed guard seemingly ill-prepared should he – God help us all –  ever have to actually use his gun; a number of sober-faced Ticos behind desks; and a much larger number of patient citizens awaiting their numbers to be called. I had forgotten to bring something I had recently purchased to avoid long waits: My own roll of numbers just like the ones you pull off from the dispenser in order to receive attention. Mine were the real thing, courtesy of the ´´Take-A-Tab´´ company. The trick is to wait until they call a ´dead´ number, that is, a number no one responds to. Then quickly and surreptitiously leaf through your Take-A-Tabs until you get the number you need. Much time can be saved employing this method; all you need is your own personal roll of numbers, but I had forgotten mine.

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Filed under: Crazy From the Heat, Matt Casseday on March 10th, 2010
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By Jim Parisi

Writing humor is a cruel, nasty and thankless endeavor more times than not. Trust me because I have tried. Telling a humorous story in person to a group of people is completely different because the speaker can control the pace, the cadence, the intonation and eventually, the punch line. Writing these same words onto a page, handing it to a complete stranger, walking away and allowing the writing to convey humor on its own takes a leap of faith and a unique storytelling talent for the humorist to succeed. And Matt Casseday has pulled it off.

Sr. Casseday is a fifty-something ex-pat who has been calling Costa Rica home for more than two decades. He has been living in the Quepos area for about half that time and writing columns for Quepolandia, the local monthly magazine there, for more than five years. He recently culled through his collection of articles, selecting fifty-four of them to compile into a publication of his own, titled Crazy From the Heat. I think the operative word in that title is the first one, and I mean that in a good way. Matt takes a wry look at the trials and tribulations of living within another culture, specifically, being a “gringo in Ticolandia”, as he calls it. Sr. Casseday has lived and worked in a few different locales as well as owned a car and a business in Costa Rica, is married with a Costa Rican woman, and in short, has easily garnered enough material for his book with first-hand experience.

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Filed under: Book Review, Crazy From the Heat, Jim Parisi, Matt Casseday on March 6th, 2010
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by Matt Casseday

When last seen, my old friend Dedson was leaving the area in a battered Range Rover, bound for a ‘tour’ of Latin America. This was years back and the ‘tour’ he had planned revolved around the dented left rear hubcap that he swore bore an image of the Virgin Mary when the angle and lighting was right. “People will pay good money to see an apparition of the Virgin Mary on a dented hubcap,” he assured me. “Especially humble God-fearing Latinos always on the lookout for the latest Our Lady of Fatima.”

I had studied the hubcap at length, from all angles and at various hours of the day, straight and sober, unstraight and unsober, but the alleged vision never materialized. There was one occasion when I caught a fleeting glimpse of an image that strikingly resembled Moe of the Three Stooges, but it turned out I was staring at the hubcap of a different Range Rover. I wrote off my friend as another hopeless expat lunatic, brains fried from too many hours in the equatorial sun. My last sighting of Dedson was of him behind the wheel of the Virgin Mary Express, heading north on the highway toward San Jose, plumes of dark diesel smoke streaming from the tailpipe.

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Filed under: Crazy From the Heat, Matt Casseday on February 24th, 2010
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by Matt Casseday

(This is a reprint of one of Matt’s personal favorites courtesy of ill timed ICE work to improve our lives during deadline)

I am currently doing research for a book I hope to publish called “Myths and Legends of Costa Rica”.  The following is an excerpt:

The Honest Alcalde -  There was once an Alcalde (Mayor) who became suspicious that many of his associates and underlings seemed to be living way beyond what their salaries could provide.  His own secret investigation revealed massive municipal fraud and diversion of funds intended to benefit all the citizens of his town.  The outraged Alcalde immediately sacked the corrupt municipal employees and pressed criminal charges.  The town later became famous throughout Costa Rica for its’ clean, paved, well-lit thoroughfares, excellent municipal service and overall beauty.

The Ethical Gringo Investor – A successful Gringo businessman retired early and came to Costa Rica, living comfortably off of the interest from various investments.  One day, another retired Gringo told him about a group of Costa Ricans known as “The Family”. Amazing, this group paid investors almost 50% annually.  Soon the Gringo businessman met with a “Family” rep to discuss the possibilities of investing with them.  However, certain things about the “Family” troubled him.  None had any training or education in the world of economics. They were extremely secretive about how they could pay such high returns. Something stunk afoot. The Gringo businessman returned to his village and decided it was better to earn less from his legitimate investments than to reap a small fortune on a possibly unethical enterprise.

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Filed under: Crazy From the Heat, Matt Casseday on January 19th, 2010
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by Matt Casseday

Walking the streets of Quepos on a hot and hectic Friday afternoon, two voices fight for space in my head. One is the voice whose philosophy is simply ‘Live and let live’. It is the voice that brought me here almost twenty years ago, the voice of tolerance and tranquility, a voice best personified by a man lounging in a hammock, eyes slightly glazed after a short smoke and a long drink, beatific smile painting his face as he stares out at a panoramic Costa Rican vista.

The other voice demands attention every time I see someone double parked blocking traffic, or aggressively and arrogantly turning a one way street into a two way street, or most definitely when I see that emaciated little guy wearing the second hand traffic cop vest in the street in front of the bus station and the Super Mas supermarket, blowing his whistle and acting like he is directing traffic, unhindered by the local police. This other voice is not charitable or tolerant or even remotely me, yet it occasionally boils up unexpectedly, like Volcan Arenal, emitting gas and noxious smoke, and almost but not quite erupting and sending the passersby running for cover. (more…)

Filed under: Crazy From the Heat, Matt Casseday on December 6th, 2009
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