PISCES – February 19-March 20

This month is all about focusing less on the outcome and more on the journey. With Venus in your house of probabilities, you’ll likely encounter several circumstances that will be of concern.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES – March 21-April 19

You’ve got it made. Make sure to show lots of appreciation for those around you. Here are 3 fun ways to show appreciation: buy them a new toothbrush (people rarely splurge on this luxury), comb their hair, or answer their phone calls.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

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CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

The world moves pretty fast around you and you must learn to slow it down to a reasonable pace. Much of this can be done with a hefty broad-sword. You’re single. So what are you doing reading this when you could be out there having fun? Go let your hair down. “Shout, shout, let it all out.” 
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

You will be glad of a loved one’s ability to almost painlessly remove splinters from your backside. You like sealife but you hate the sea. Your mum and dad grew up in a small village where you met an elderly couple who later died. You may never find what you’re looking for, but at least you managed to find that picture of the chimp sitting on a toilet reading a newspaper. 
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

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In case they got it right we bring you your last horoscope! – Mayan Astrology Signs – The Haab Calendar uses 19 Mayan astrology signs in an astrological system that was developed by ancient Mayans (who as it happens, used to take mushrooms). 

Mayan sign Yaxk’in: November 23rd to December 12th 

Yaxk’in people have a connection with the Mayan sun god Ah Kin. He provided protection against darkness, drought and disease. Those born under this sign tend to be natural healers. Sadly, whether you heal others with soothing words or as a trained practitioner, your efforts are not noted. To make it worse, your doubtful personality often surfaces, meaning you could never help anyone in an emergency. You either have to learn to trust yourself in your decisions and the decisions of those around you, or change your career and lead a basic lifestyle where you have to make little or no decisions allowing your inner indecisive beast to prosper. 

Mayan sign Mol: December 13th to January 1st 

Those born under the sign of Mol are associated with the cardinal element of water. Apparently Mol people are supposed to be able to “make the rains come”, although in reality most of them can’t even swim. Pay close attention to how the weather patterns make you feel. Your strength is associated with water and rainfall. You don’t have to stand in the rain or walk about without an umbrella, but you have to try and tap into the energy of the rain. After all, there is a leader waiting to be unleashed. PS: If you sit in a bathtub too long, you may turn into a mermaid. Don’t do it.

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These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

SCORPIO – October 23-November 21

Your house of finance is having a flare-up. Keep a close watch on what you’re spending your money on. Also, 3 things: be supportive, honest, and slow to anger and you will have success this month. You get a lucky number this month, its 111.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

Because of your frequent travel binges, it’s important that you have genuine quality time with your loved ones. Try having quality time by turning off your cell phone, TV, and deleting all incoming emails and have a nice, old-fashioned staring contest with your partner. Nothing will bring you two closer
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

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These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

This will be a VERY happy 2 months for you. After all, it is your birthday! And you know what they’ve been saying about that for a thousand of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me like Happy!” Cartwheels, hand stands, head stands, single arm press ups, sit ups, and sand castles the shape of gymnasiums are well starred. Take note, perhaps you could use a little exercise?

CELEBRITY VIRGO: Ione Skye

PROS: Smart /CONS: Perfectionist

LIBRA – September 23-October 22

“Geronimo!”, “Yahooooooo!” but NOT “Weee!” are the best ways to show extreme enjoyment such as when catching that big fish, canopying across the jungle, or jumping suddenly into water. This month your destiny has a lisp and is determined to say MISSISSIPPI…don’t worry about it…make yourself a coffee, sit down and read the internet, hell…its what you do everyday right? While you’re at it, make yourself a birthday cake, the chocolate and fattening kind cause no one celebrates birthdays with gusto after sweet 16!

CELEBRITY LIBRA: Shaun Cassidy

PROS: Harmonious /CONS: Procrastinator
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These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

LEO – July 23- August 22

Those born in “Leo” have a tendency to find themselves in trouble, they are as corruptible and they are powerful, and will seek to gain an advantage in any way possible, either in business(loan sharking) or love(a relationship between 2 people) Good month to waste your life watching television.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO– August 23-September 22

More fun with twine this month, and do remember to hold your pinkie finger up when drinking tea. In this world you have a choice between being clever and being pleasant…I suggest pleasant.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

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These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

CANCER -June 22-July 22

You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconciously, this is because your envious of the really cool hats that some of the people in other religions get to wear.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

LEO – July 23- August 22

It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right- in fact; snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess Ho Ho.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

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These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

ARIES – March 21-April 19

You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be…”fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

TAURUS – April 20-May 20

Prefer pirates with a patch over their left eye, rather than the right, especially in piracy danger spots such as the oceans near the Philippines, the Congo, and Wall Street

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

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These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

PISCES – February 19-March 20

You will have a dream this month in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling an old rickety boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it turns out he does not take American express…hmmm…that’s puzzling.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES – March 21-April 19

It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking Man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you’ve been wondering.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

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These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

Smashing things up on a small scale will bring you joy this month. Use a pestle and morter like in science class, go for a hard 2 handed thump, followed by a gentle grinding until your will is meted out.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES – February 19-March 20

Bridges, tractors and windmills are your lucky tropical fishtank accessories until mid June. An Elvis impersonator has a message for you on the 12^th hidden on a piece of paper in his well greased hair.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

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These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

The truth is much harder to find than fiction. Don’t be afraid to spread damn dirty lies. This month, your seasonal destiny feels like the lowest berry on the mistletoe.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

Half of what you think you are good at is actually a complete fluke. This month might see the end of your futile efforts to get good at something.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

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These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

Don’t forget your towel today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks though.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

You will get one of those pre mixed salads in a new high tech bag that “breathes”. Or in this case, wheezes.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

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These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

SCORPIO – October 23-November 21

A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that its a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

Be playful at heart and you will reap the reward of having more friends under the age of 10. Beware of tour guides walking backwards in their guide commentary’s.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

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These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

Jake Gyllenhall continues to be your lucky Hollywood megastar this month, especially when you are trekking through the cold glacial climes and you need to take off your top to walk through freezing water and there is no TV crew to film it all. Machismo like that is rare! And there is no money to be made out of it!

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA – September 23-October 22

Beware of small difficult to control mouth vomits around 1pm on the 18^th of this month. Your destiny is like the most difficult last 2 degrees of a situp. Also, Neptune has left you a message somewhere on the History channel on the 7^th.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

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These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

LEO – July 23- August 22

Blues harmonica playing has never been better starred than this month, especially in impromptu nights spent in police cells. Embrace “flowery” people with open arms.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

Beachwear is critically starred this month with a 40% chance of wardrobe malfunction when entering or getting out of swimming pools or the ocean until sunrise on the 26^th.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

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