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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – July 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

cancer

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up. You will also find that if you deliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot of questions with either “yes air”, or “nose hair”.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY


leoLEO – July 23- August 22

Homelessness is a very poor way to begin the year, so ensure money is not an issue for you. Gift horses always happen to those who least expect it. The moral of this horoscope its: expect a gift horse. The sounds of fairies in your head are brought on by the alcohol. It may be time to stop drinking this week.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – June 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

geminiGEMINI – May 21-June 21

Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the nature of the soul! Get it? People will start to resent your annoying habit of repeating the last funny thing said and then laughing.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE


cancer

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Although it may be true that you are being hunted down by pirates, you may wish to avoid using the name “Long Dong Silver”. Brown is your unlucky color this month. Avoid it where possible.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – May 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

taurusTAURUS – April 20-May 20

As accurate as the weather report might be, you must be careful to avoid the 3011 bus. Danger, excitement, thrills. Even spills. These are all buzz words which may catch your attention this week, possibly in the form of a horoscope. Having reached a personal goal, the future looks rosier for you!

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD


geminiGEMINI – May 21-June 21

 

Animals with big eyes should be avoided as they invariably have pointy claws which could, in the worst cases, grab you by the shoulder and carry you screaming helplessly in the air on the 7th of the month.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – April 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

ariesARIES – March 21-April 19

7. For no reason at all, I’m going to throw the number 7 at you. SEVEN. Take everything you’ve got and run like the wind! Chew the cud with some friends this month, their inane chatter may amuse you.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND


taurusTAURUS – April 20-May 20

Your selfish ways will not improve this month as you win a sizeable jackpot in the lottery. Walking to work in a clown costume can help you in your search for humility. It may seem unrelated to your month so far, but remember, the world loves a bastard!

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – March 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

piscesPISCES – February 19-March 20

Like your life, peanuts can be dried, roasted, blanched and put inside little potato coatings. Just like your life. You will be plagued by happy people, but don’t be swayed by them, stay miserable.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE


ariesARIES – March 21-April 19

This month is for lovers everywhere. Find positives wherever you are and accentuate them. Do not dwell on the negatives and you will have happiness. It’s really quite simple isn’t it? You get better looking every day. I bet you can’t wait for tomorrow!

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – February 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

aquariusAQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

Don’t trust little birdies…they are renounced liars. Protesting is about to become important to you, as is writing witty slogans on placards something you are very good at if you can get the right pens.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST


piscesPISCES – February 19-March 20

2011 offers the prospects of at least 4 once in a lifetime opportunities. Be ready. Beware of arguments while playing Monopoly this month, especially if you have just rolled a 6. And always choose the dog as your monopoly marker.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – January 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

capricorn

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

What are you looking for here for? You should be on a spaceship sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your owned damn fault, I’d say.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET


aquariusAQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

It’s a good idea to take up a new hobby, if you want to make yourself a more interesting person at parties. In your case, I recommend welding. This is also a good month to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – December 2010

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

sagittariusSAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

Happy Birthday Mom! And everyone else who celebrates being half man/woman and half horse. At the same moment you will be reading this, someone else will be thinking of you and smiling. You have that affect on people sunshine! You are also the most spiritual of the zodiac, so light some white candles this month and wish for all your dreams!

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

LUCKY SIGN: Potholes in the road


capricorn

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

This month is itchy nose month. Just be glad you don’t have to wear a spacesuit. It is also a good time to tell your friend to quit wearing that ridiculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee instead?

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

LUCKY SIGN: 7 leaf clovers

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – September/October 2010

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

virgoVIRGO – August 23-September 22

This month, someone named “Svlad” will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgment you will let him in. On Tuesday 2 people near you will engage in rubber band warefare, you will be caught in a crossfire and severely thwarped.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE


libraLIBRA – September 23-October 22

You will find yourself in a huge hand basket before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. Did you know that this month is the second to last month of the 19th segment of your life? Don’t question.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – August 2010

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.


leoLEO – July 23- August 22

Those born in “Leo” have a tendency to find themselves in trouble, they are as corruptible and they are powerful, and will seek to gain an advantage in any way possible, either in business(loan sharking) or love(a relationship between 2 people) Good month to waste your life watching television.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE


virgoVIRGO – August 23-September 22

More fun with twine this month, and do remember to hold your pinkie finger up when drinking tea. In this world you have a choice between being clever and being pleasant…I suggest pleasant.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – July 2010

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.


cancer

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Happy Birthday to you! Through a casual remark in an elevator…you will realize that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called “How to Irritate People” By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. This might be a good month to carry your enchanting tool with you… you never know.

IDEAL JOB: CANDLE WICK MAKER

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY


leoLEO – July 23- August 22

You will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in an unusual place. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon and then eat you! The lesson to be learned here is…stay tuned…

IDEAL JOB: CRASH TEST DUMMY CRASHER

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – June 2010

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.


geminiGEMINI – May 21-June 21

Another birthday has arrived…Large tongued Gemini dogs will come your way in overly affectionate encounters, particularly after early supper, bowl-of-water-lick, or mid evening walkies until well into July. Embrace these moments, as we all know that love comes in many different forms and we should take what we can get!

BEST LOVE TIME: ALL OF JUNE

COMPATIBILITY: SCORPIOS OR LIBRAS


cancer

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in soaps and detergents, and that its culinary use started at a joke—it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it!

BEST LOVE TIME: JUNE 10TH EARLY AM

COMPATIBILITY: LEO

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – May 2010

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.


taurusTAURUS – April 20-May 20

Happy Birthday all my fellow Taureans! For those of you that don’t know, we are ruled by the planet Venus (the love planet), the stoic bull (hence our stubbornness) the color green, and our bodies are ruled by our ears, nose and throat. We LOVE money, comforts and food, not necessarily in that order…so go and buy yourself a lottery ticket and pamper yourself cause this is definitely your year! Be contented destiny wise.

CELEBRITY TAURUS: Stevie Wonder

LUCKY NUMBERS: Any and all combinations of 2-5-7


geminiGEMINI – May 21-June 21

This month you will join the political action group “Whiners for Peace”, and will call up your senator’s office and whine at them. Don’t forget to sign up for the big “Pout Out” next month! You are being watched by a large penguin, act normal.

CELEBRITY GEMINI: Dennis Rodman

LUCKY NUMBERS: 34, 5, 9

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – April 2010

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

ariesARIES – March 21-April 19

Happy Birthday you gorgeous Ram! Not only are you HOT this month, you are also oh so clever. You will invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will smartly name “Nighty Knight”! Let’s hope it goes over well, you could use the money! Invest in yourself and silver since you most likely can’t afford gold, and the dollar is in the toilet.

CELEBRITY ARIES: Julia Styles

IDEAL JOB: Donut Hole Cutter


taurusTAURUS – April 20-May 20

This month you will become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s and will change your name to “Sunflower”. That is SO Taurus of you! Focus on variety this month, give the chocolate lobster tail a try and accept love and sugar graciously. Sweet baby Sweet!

CELEBRITY TAURUS: Eva Peron

IDEAL JOB: Ripened Fruit Checker

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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – March 2010

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

piscesPISCES – February 19-March 20

You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls-most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner. How did you get that invite by the way? YOUR people are obviously bigger than MY people!

CELEBRITY PISCES: Jack the Ripper

LUCKY SONG: “My Ding a Ling” (who sang that?)


ariesARIES – March 21-April 19

You will rest peacefully on the second week of this month and sink into a strange dream. In the dream you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light, ok? The extra point isn’t worth it.

CELEBRITY ARIES: Tiny Tim

LUCKY SONG: “Lick it Up” (KISS)

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