Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – February 2010
These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
AQUARIUS - January 20-February 18
You will invite a group of 11 to a dinner party at your house on the 10th, but only 2 hours before they arrive your oven will stop working all of a sudden. Panic? Don’t panic, it’s all the same in the planetary scheme of things…give your guests lots to drink and send out for pizza, only 3 will notice your plight.
This is a good month to doodle.
CELEBRITY AQUARIUS: Ellen DeGeneres
IDEAL JOB: Citrus Fruit Colorer
PISCES - February 19-March 20
Your DVD player will cause confusion this month with the remote control jumbling up all of the controls in a random fashion. There is no point in returning the appliance to the electrical store as you will be mocked by a spotty teen who will not believe a word you are saying, probably because you need to upgrade your Spanish…change the batteries and hope for the best!
CELEBRITY PISCES: Billy Zane
IDEAL JOB: Odor Judger
ARIES - March 21-April 19
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened cornflakes however. Exercise has never really been your thing, this month you will try your hand at power walking. Not only does it look silly, it IS silly!! Stick with it!
CELEBRITY ARIES: Fergie
IDEAL JOB: Whiskey Ambassador
TAURUS - April 20-May 20
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
This month you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure!
CELEBRITY TAURUS: The Rock
IDEAL JOB: Smog Tech
GEMINI - May 21-June 21
Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold and nothing to worry about. A man with a single eyebrow will follow you all around town. Could life get any stranger for you lately?
CELEBRITY GEMINI: Prince
IDEAL JOB: Laughter Therapist
CANCER -June 22-July 22
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said “The Geek shall inherit the earth”, but was just misquoted? Then you’ll think of Bill Gates. Then you’ll start to worry. A man named Tyrone will try to sell you a vacuum cleaner this month.
CELEBRITY CANCER: Michael Phelps
IDEAL JOB: Bonsai Gardener
LEO - July 23- August 22
This month you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN instead. This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Be sure to buy the right hat for this endeavor.
CELEBRITY LEO: Madonna
IDEAL JOB: Girl Scout Cookie Vender
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Remember loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky!
You will hear a strange “clicking” sound this month as you are walking through your kitchen…perhaps it’s time to trim those toenails after all.
CELEBRITY VIRGO: Prince Harry
IDEAL JOB: Pet Spa Owner
LIBRA - September 23-October 22
This is a good month to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. Your disco days are coming back in a BIG way!
CELEBRITY LIBRA: Sharon Osborne
IDEAL JOB: Mall Santa
SCORPIO - October 23-November 21
Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Perogies based on your grandmothers recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwarp you with her umbrella when she finds out.
CELEBRITY SCORPIO: Larry Flynt
IDEAL JOB: Piano Mover
SAGITTARIUS - November 22-December 21
Family problems again. It will be just like that Rolling Stone song about how you “Can’t always get what you wa-ant”, except in this case, you can replace one of the words with “Ever”. Try being positive and future-focused. Also pretend you don’t speak English.
CELEBRITY SAGITTARIUS: Taylor Swift
IDEAL JOB: Tattoo Artist
CAPRICORN - December 22-January 19
This will be a fairly peculiar month for you. You’ll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of cashews and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic bags…oh, I guess that isn’t really considered strange in this country!
CELEBRITY CAPRICORN: Tiger Woods aka (Cheetah)
IDEAL JOB: Xmas Tree Farmer
