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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – April 2010

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

ariesARIES – March 21-April 19

Happy Birthday you gorgeous Ram! Not only are you HOT this month, you are also oh so clever. You will invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will smartly name “Nighty Knight”! Let’s hope it goes over well, you could use the money! Invest in yourself and silver since you most likely can’t afford gold, and the dollar is in the toilet.

CELEBRITY ARIES: Julia Styles

IDEAL JOB: Donut Hole Cutter


taurusTAURUS – April 20-May 20

This month you will become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s and will change your name to “Sunflower”. That is SO Taurus of you! Focus on variety this month, give the chocolate lobster tail a try and accept love and sugar graciously. Sweet baby Sweet!

CELEBRITY TAURUS: Eva Peron

IDEAL JOB: Ripened Fruit Checker


geminiGEMINI – May 21-June 21

A co-worker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”! Your clutter karma is at an all time high…small children and pets are in danger. This month your destiny has a twist you will not be expecting!

CELEBRITY GEMINI: Gene Wilder

IDEAL JOB: Wrist Watch Winder (say that real fast…I dare you)


cancer

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Excellent month to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named “Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm”. You don’t need to read it, but it will be fun to leave around where people will notice it. This month your destiny is going on a picnic! Bring your aunt’s potato salad and of course that book.

CELEBRITY CANCER: Nelson Mandela

IDEAL JOB: Jockey


leoLEO – July 23- August 22

As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you this month. Slicing vegetables back and forth is preferred to the left and right this month with  a finger cut warning in place for more days than not. Get someone else to cut your veggies! Or just go veggie free this month.

CELEBRITY LEO: Jerry Garcia

IDEAL JOB: Cow Milker


virgoVIRGO – August 23-September 22

You’ve been getting a little tired of the same old “look” day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? Ill bet people with tattoos never get tired of em! I’m thinking a big rooster in the center of your back would be a great conversation piece! Look whose the big “Gallo” now!!!! (brush up on your Spanish if you don’t know the word).

CELEBRITY VIRGO: Michael Jackson

IDEAL JOB: Grasshopper Farmer


libraLIBRA – September 23-October 22

Ever heard of the phrase “Up sh*ts creek?” Well consider this month more of a poopy puddle, leave your good shoes at home. The middle of the month is a great time to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussel sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People…”

CELEBRITY LIBRA: Heather Locklear

IDEAL JOB: Trapeze Artist


scorpioSCORPIO – October 23-November 21

A sixty something Fame wannabe is about to influence you in a driving decision this month. Beware of legwarmers in all colors, apart from the bright green and pink, coming in all directions at intersections. Do not buy oranges from street vendors on the 12th as they are “off”.

CELEBRITY SCORPIO: Bill Gates

IDEAL JOB: Trampoline Tester


sagittariusSAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

Your application to be frozen in your local cryogenics freezer-farm has been accepted; however you will have second thoughts about this after the 23rd. Avoid underground caves, alcohol and potato chips and do not attempt any back flipping in your Yogic Boxing DVD workout unless you are being supervised.

CELEBRITY SAGITTARIUS: JFK

IDEAL JOB: Halloween Costume Maker


capricorn

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

When looking to buy a pet on the 16th, you will be drawn to a cute puppy with a small limp and a shiny nose, name him Lenny and pat him liberally around the waist.This month your destiny has a decision to make about sequins.

CELEBRITY CAPRICORN: Mel Gibson

IDEAL JOB: Fish Monger


aquariusAQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

You will be drawn to heavy metal music this month, including the fashionable long hair, beard, and/or rock chick look. It might be a good idea to put on a few pounds of fat for the inevitable bar brawls that will most likely take place. This month your destiny is in a field with around 90 under milked cows bursting to please the milk maid.

CELEBRITY AQUARIUS: Boris Yeltsin

IDEAL JOB: Professional Yodeler


piscesPISCES – February 19-March 20

This will be a laugh filled month as you will finally learn the gift that is being able to laugh at yourself. You are truly blessed. Consternation over something that is not your problem will once again come to the fore. Bake a fruit pie, as long as it is not blueberry or apple, everything should turn out fine.

CELEBRITY PISCES: Harry Bellefonte

IDEAL JOB: Pineapple Farmer


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