Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – December 2013
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
There is a lot of anger in your brain. Douse it with cool, flavoursome beer. Everything you are thinking about will end up getting lost in some sort of fuzzy logic.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
FAMOUS SAGITTARIUS: WALT DISNEY
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
If you’re ignorant are you blessed? Only with ignorance, my stupid friend. Just because people laugh at you doesn’t make you a comedian.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
FAMOUS CAPRICORN: BENEDICT ARNOLD
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
You are everything you always hoped you would never be. Today may be the day for a quick change. Phrase your platitudes carefully today or your charlatan-like behaviour may find you out.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
FAMOUS AQUARIUS: JAMES HOFFA
PISCES – February 19-March 20
Deja vu is not a thai dish that you had two weeks ago. You will be plagued by happy people, but don’t be swayed by them, stay miserable. Shooting high into the air during a celebration, may cause injury to you or those around you.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
FAMOUS PISCES: OSAMA BIN LADEN
ARIES – March 21-April 19
Today will be fraught with exciting wonderment and thrills for at least somebody you know. Presenting yourself with home-made cardboard awards is probably not the sanest way to go about giving yourself a morale boost. Post-it note your entire life and you can become some kind of local hero. You’re almost certainly to star on the local news.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
FAMOUS ARIES: LADY GAGA
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Everything you say today will be like a very beautiful flower, spreading its seed amongst cactii. Always meet people you meet on the internet in a dark place, preferably a graveyard or a disco.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
FAMOUS TAURUS: SADDAM HUSSEIN
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
All the yearnings you have will all of a sudden find explosive release this week. When Elvis sang, it’s like he was thinking of you. Oh yes, especially when he does those “groin dips”.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
FAMOUS GEMINI: DONALD TRUMP
CANCER – June 22-July 22
An email may arrive in your mailbox today informing you that a) You’ve won a competition b) You deserve a massive dong c) Someone in the office loves you.
RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY
FAMOUS CANCER: LIZZIE BORDON
LEO – July 23- August 22
Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Destiny might play silly buggers though and take you to a pet store.
RULING GEMSTONE: JADE
FAMOUS LEO:BENITO MUSSELINI
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Temptation is everywhere, especially if you’re willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting “It’s not my fault, I’m looking for temptation!”
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
FAMOUS VIRGO: IVAN THE TERRIBLE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
Mars is in the second house which means you should start looking for ways to sprout tentacles from your eyeballs. Do not chew up watermelons and spit the seeds at ducks. This will lower your vitamin levels.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
FAMOUS LIBRA: LEE HARVEY
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
Gangs of naughty leprechauns have stolen all the plasma from your blood which is why your hair has turned blue. This is just a minor side effect of Venus entering the 14th phase and is nothing to worry about.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
FAMOUS SCORPIO: MARIE ANTOINETTE