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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – January 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

capricorn

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

What are you looking for here for? You should be on a spaceship sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your owned damn fault, I’d say.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET


aquariusAQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

It’s a good idea to take up a new hobby, if you want to make yourself a more interesting person at parties. In your case, I recommend welding. This is also a good month to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST


piscesPISCES – February 19-March 20

You will make several somewhat unadvisable impulse purchases this month. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel “100 Year of Spam” decorative wall clock.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE


ariesARIES – March 21-April 19

You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the yellow pages under “Florists, Reputable.” You will have a tomato feature in this month’s cuisine. Sadly, that will be your pinnacle of excitement this month!

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND


taurusTAURUS – April 20-May 20

You will be in a somewhat ornery mood this month, when you go out for Italian, and insist on eating with chopsticks! Significant Other or S.O. is a fairly disturbing way to refer to a loved one. Why not call them, “that thing I know”, or “unstranger”.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD


geminiGEMINI – May 21-June 21

“Love in Spoonfuls”- a great way to sign off a flirty email, but not a particularly practical way to dole out your feelings. Many people find a spoon a tricky instrument to use during love making.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE


cancer

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Scarves wrapped around your head in “Rambo Style” are luckily starred this month, as are armless tops! Your destiny has the debit card but can’t remember the pin number in the cash machine of life.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY


leoLEO – July 23- August 22

Hairy backs are about to become fashionable again in a brief moment of 1970’s flash back heaven/horror…depending on your preferences. Blue leather continues to be your preferred fetish gear.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE


virgoVIRGO – August 23-September 22

Buzzing, flying, insects are your lucky creepy crawlies this month. Watch carefully where they rest for therein may be a message from the planets. Your destiny plays the tambourine in the folk group that is your life! Deep!

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE


libraLIBRA – September 23-October 22

For a brief moment on the 4th you will be free to ask for whom the bell tolls. It may be tolling for you, but you are feeling increasingly confident you will be able to deal with whatever it is that the tolling bell signals.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL


scorpioSCORPIO – October 23-November 21

Beware of tall or angry birds, especially at feeding time, and especially if you are in a position of undress. People with stethoscopes around their necks are not always doctors. In fact, most people are not what they seem. Hmmm…….

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ


sagittariusSAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

A superman logo t-shirt will give you super powers for a brief moment on the 25th. Use them wisely and you could become an overnight YouTube hits millionaire! That email from Africa stating that you won $17,899.00 and you deleted, was completely genuine.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE


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