Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – January 2012

January 5, 2012

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

The truth is much harder to find than fiction. Don’t be afraid to spread damn dirty lies. This month, your seasonal destiny feels like the lowest berry on the mistletoe.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

Half of what you think you are good at is actually a complete fluke. This month might see the end of your futile efforts to get good at something.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES – February 19-March 20

When hankering for some food, you may decide to experiment with various plants…avoid those with 3 leaves. This festive season, favor mince pies over Yule logs in all situations involving snow.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES – March 21-April 19

Repetition may annoy you this month, as someone you love tells the same damn story over and over again. Riding side saddle on reindeers has rarely been better starred. Have fun! I’d go for Dasher!

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

TAURUS – April 20-May 20

Anything someone says this month that is unkind is probably meant in jest, you dirty bastard! Drug tests should be performed at exactly 6:13 precisely for the results you are looking for.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

GEMINI – May 21-June 21

A good month to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn’t be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy things up. Find yourself a “Screaming Tree”. What is that you ask? It is a tree that you can vent your frustrations at. Need I say more?

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Today you will be struck by the notion that, “life is like one of those little cars the Shriners get to drive”. You have a mind of great depth and profundity.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

LEO – July 23- August 22

More trouble with that annoying “bluebird of happiness” this month. With any luck, the cat will get it. You are a pretty creature; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

Inspiration will strike you and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing about it. Sing a song inside, and to hell with the dark clouds that await you.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA – September 23-October 22

Beware realistic dreams that sound like the plot line to some sort of afternoon movie as the sun gives off flares that whip round the earth and slap you on the head as you sleep on the 7^th. ???? I know, it’s confusing.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

SCORPIO – October 23-November 21

Unruly behavior by some of your closest friends can be solved by using pitch forks. Lots of different shades of grey help you know that metal objects are 3 dimensional.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

Mythology states that all kinds of crazy crap happened. You believe that don’t you? That’s why you’re here. Insure everything you own at 125% of the cost.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE