Cosmic ConfettiHoroscopes

Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – July 2012

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

cancer

CANCER -June 22-July 22

You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconciously, this is because your envious of the really cool hats that some of the people in other religions get to wear.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

leoLEO – July 23- August 22

It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right- in fact; snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess Ho Ho.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

virgoVIRGO – August 23-September 22

Art work is favored for you this month, including types of artwork that your Dad says isn’t really art and anyone could do it. This month, your destiny is shouting with its eyebrows.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

libraLIBRA – September 23-October 22

Tossing the caber, the Highland Fling, bagpipe playing and eating haggis are your Scotland themes this month, especially if not wearing any kind of kilt. Even if they claim to have found your clans tartan (not likely, given your family) this month your destiny shines like a new Greek penny!

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

scorpioSCORPIO – October 23-November 21

Masking your anger with scatter cushions was never going to work, was it? It was an idea Saturn sent you one night, it would like to apologize. You can probably get a refund. Just tell them Saturn sent you.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

sagittariusSAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

Air guitar and popcorn making will be inextricably linked this month, as Neptune and Saturn wink at each other across the vast space. What this actually means is determined by the weather, the price of sunflower oil, and how bad the news is on TV.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

capricorn

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

Beware of static electricity in new carpets from the 25th to the 23rd, especially when hanging nylon curtains.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

aquariusAQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

Beware of any strange or vulnerable person this month, as they are most likely some sort of complicated police stake out, some police crime like TV show, or Simon Cowell’s next project.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

piscesPISCES – February 19-March 20

Explaining things using your hands is well starred this month, especially when describing someone you fancy, or the size and shape of vegetables you are looking for in a store which still employs and assistant who cares.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

aries

ARIES – March 21-April 19

People with brown and yellow teeth, are about to prove lucky this month in unexpected ways…this month your destiny is optimal, considering the circumstances.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

taurusTAURUS – April 20-May 20

You are about to have a half decent conversation with a person wearing a pair of those mirror type sunglasses. It will happen once, and it will never happen again, so enjoy it.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

geminiGEMINI – May 21-June 21

Philosophy: the difference between the feeling of being lost, and that feeling when you don’t know exactly where you are, but where you want to be must be around here somewhere, is just a matter of optimism. Defer to Saturn all navigational worries this month, and enjoy the ride!

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE