Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – June 2011

June 4, 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

GEMINI – May 21-June 21

Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the nature of the soul! Get it? People will start to resent your annoying habit of repeating the last funny thing said and then laughing.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Although it may be true that you are being hunted down by pirates, you may wish to avoid using the name “Long Dong Silver”. Brown is your unlucky color this month. Avoid it where possible.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

LEO – July 23- August 22

Wake up, wash your face, change your pants. Life needs a good “start” routine, make this YOURS. Find yourself someone to settle down with this month. Don’t be choosy, just pick at random.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

Loving care is something people write on shampoo bottles. What you need is a good hard boink! Many of the people around you will turn out to be lying scheming bastards this month. Keep your eyes open!

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA – September 23-October 22

To love is to show someone how ridiculous you can be when you let your guard down. Some people will find that attractive. Some people will think you’re a lush who’s to damn easy. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time you come to yours, all the good shapes and sizes will be gone!

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

SCORPIO – October 23-November 21

All your better ideas have already been stolen and used in the past. Which perhaps you should prefix “crackpot” to the unofficial title you give yourself. I sense a feeling of delight in you!

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

We’re seeing broken windows, screaming old people, and a dog walking on its hind legs as if dancing. Does that make any sense to you? Jupiter seems to think it does.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

Beware all Williams and Kate’s until well into the first cock crow of the third week of the month, especially if they serve you in any restaurant with burgers on the menu. This month your destiny has taken a happy pill.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

This month’s workout tips include bending your knees, correctly applying hand wraps and eating spinach backwards while blindfolded. Your destiny is starting to compute.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES – February 19-March 20

This month your destiny wants to shave its head in a Britney Spears type break down. UFO’s are about to enter your life in an unexpected way this month. Especially at times when your ability to video the evidence is at its most difficult.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES – March 21-April 19

Speeches that include meaningless euphemisms, so wide generalizations they could not possibly ever be wrong, and a nice haircut, are your preferred methods of announcing that you intend to stand for president this month.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

TAURUS – April 20-May 20

Performances of the national anthem in front of large crowds has never been better starred, especially after a bottle of wine or at least 7, 5% + beers. Squash all creepy crawlys with your thumb until the 16^th.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD