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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – May 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

taurusTAURUS – April 20-May 20

As accurate as the weather report might be, you must be careful to avoid the 3011 bus. Danger, excitement, thrills. Even spills. These are all buzz words which may catch your attention this week, possibly in the form of a horoscope. Having reached a personal goal, the future looks rosier for you!

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD


geminiGEMINI – May 21-June 21

 

Animals with big eyes should be avoided as they invariably have pointy claws which could, in the worst cases, grab you by the shoulder and carry you screaming helplessly in the air on the 7th of the month.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE


cancer

 

CANCER -June 22-July 22

As predicted last month, your attempts at interior decorating led to an alcoholic binge 3 points below Charlie Sheen on the party Richter scale. Even though you have cleared up most of the bottles, there are still some arranged in places only a true interior decorator could possibly think of.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY


leoLEO – July 23- August 22

 

Superman’s cape, but not Superman himself, is your lucky superhero item of clothing this month. Ever wondered what Superman uses his cape for? You are about to find out on Thursday at 5:23 pm in a supermarket parking lot.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE


virgoVIRGO – August 23-September 22

 

This month your destiny is like a party that has gotten out of hand but isn’t noisy enough for the police to be called yet. Magic card tricks involving the 9 of diamonds are well favored.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE


libraLIBRA – September 23-October 22

 

A bank that needed bail out money, a man who always wears a flat cap, and a student wearing a Che Guevara t shirt are 3 signs that the planets are sending this month as a warning…not sure what!

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL


scorpioSCORPIO – October 23-November 21

 

Britches, “Yee Harghs”, and slapping your thighs while spitting into a spittoon, are well starred this month as Neptune makes your spitting aim more accurate than ever in history.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ


sagittariusSAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

 

Use everyday food items to defend yourself from Ruffians, street fighters, and pick pocketers. Fruit fighting tip of the month: the eating part of a banana is just as slippery as the skin. Use this knowledge wisely in your battles young warrior!

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE


capricorn

 

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

Learning to feel happy when you don’t is one of the secrets to a happy life. The other is to be a millionaire. This month your destiny is harboring a fugitive.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET


aquariusAQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

 

If you have ever fancied being shot from a cannon, now seems to be the luckiest time to do it as Neptune tilts half a degree or so from the perpendicular. Ensure you wear a crash helmet from the moment you get out of your car.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST


piscesPISCES – February 19-March 20

 

A deli in New York is set to name a new sandwich after you with a surprising amount of pickles in it. What are they trying to tell you? Sourpuss! Pick pocketing your own children is your lucky, barely legal activity for much of the month.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE


ariesARIES – March 21-April 19

 

Oddly, the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower. Good time to get involved in Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND


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