Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – May 2013

May 4, 2013

TAURUS – April 20-May 20

Everyone wants what’s best for you, in terms of reducing the amount of time you are allowed to show your face outside of your house. Your ideals are starting to shape the way you’re living, so congratulations.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

GEMINI – May 21-June 21

The law may be your friend today, or it might turn round and bite you in the ass. Either way the word “law” is going to crop up. Holiday, it would be so nice…to be on holiday. So why not go for it?
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE

CANCER – June 22-July 22

All for which you have fought will be lost if you cannot control your wang. Wise words which may be applicable. Dressing as a feline may give others cause for concern today. You’re a mug. You always have been and you always will be. Change, and your friends will stop liking you as much.
RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY

LEO – July 23- August 22

Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
RULING GEMSTONE: JADE

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA – September 23-October 22

You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

SCORPIO – October 23-November 21

Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. “Let’s all just pretend there isn’t one!”, you’ll say.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken.” It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you’re envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.

RULING GEMSTONE AMETHYST

PISCES – February 19-March 20

You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say “To Friends, Old and New!”)RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES – March 21-April 19

The best of excuses are those that are plausible (so, not ones that involve you, super-powers and hordes of sexy friends). If you don’t care what the weatherman says when the weatherman says it’s raining – that’s great! Your irrelevance becomes clear today and you will feel a new sense of freedom.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND