Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – May 2014

May 3, 2014

TAURUS – April 20-May 20

A lava hot-lamp that you or a hippy inspired relative owned in the 1960’s will impact on your life this month in ways unforeseeably messy at the moment.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
FAMOUS TAURUS: SADDAM HUSSEIN

GEMINI – May 21-June 21

Ensure you accurately tie any shoe laces, or other knots in your clothing, to avoid embarrassment as, after the 15th, a planetary alignment will attempt knot-ﬂ ip-opens and undo’s at random moments.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
FAMOUS GEMINI: DONALD TRUMP

CANCER – June 22-July 22

A bird will bring you good tidings this month, although its feathers could make your asthma worse. A minor choking incident around the 7th could lead to unexpected consequences for an Italian neighbor and a vase of ﬂ owers.

RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY
FAMOUS CANCER: LIZZIE BORDON

LEO – July 23- August 22

Whilst cooking a chicken meal on the 18th your elbow will be knocked violently whilst adding the salt.

RULING GEMSTONE: JADE
FAMOUS LEO:BENITO MUSSELINI

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

The extremely high impact yoga workout DVD that you received for your birthday has changed the karmic ether in your house. To those who study these things this is clearly visible from the road, so expect more than your share of door-to-door salesmen and religious nuts over the coming months.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
FAMOUS VIRGO: IVAN THE TERRIBLE

LIBRA – September 23-October 22

Avoid white or light-blue shirts on the 14th as they are doomed to red wine and/or rust stains. A book you are reading will introduce ﬂ oristry into your life on the 10th.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

FAMOUS LIBRA: LEE HARVEY

SCORPIO – October 23-November 21

Remember to keep an open mind when trying out any new activity, although not with anyone attempting Kama Sutra on you – any of the positions over number 17 are ill- starred for the next six months and should be avoided completely unless you can pull at least two of your limbs out of their socket.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

FAMOUS SCORPIO: MARIE ANTOINETTE

SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

A favorite T-shirt of yours with a picture of a monkey will attract criticism from people who know better. When eating bananas in this shirt, ensure a neighbor does not take a picture which could later be used on an ironic or satirical web site.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
FAMOUS SAGITTARIUS: WALT DISNEY

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

A blue, shiny, new pen will have devastating effects on your punctuation this month as old style writing instruments come under the inﬂ uence of a mutinous Mars.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
FAMOUS CAPRICORN: BENEDICT ARNOLD

AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

Despite all of your best efforts, commas, semi colons and dashes will appear haphazardly in any writing you produce. Accept this limitation until after the Sun sets nightly before the 22nd, or only use e-mail for the whole month. (Other horoscopes may suggest writing by candle light, this won’t work – they are lying to you.)

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
FAMOUS AQUARIUS: JAMES HOFFA

PISCES – February 19-March 20

An aptly named cuddly toy will inﬂ uence an important decision as it ﬂ y’s through the air around the 4th.General internet browsing will sow a seed in your mind that will eventually lead to you purchasing a bird bath later in the year.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
FAMOUS PISCES: OSAMA BIN LADEN

ARIES – March 21-April 19

Embrace cartoon characters, including their merchandising, in all of their furry and ﬂ uffy big-footed glory, especially around the 9th, when Neptune gets smashed on the head from behind by Saturn wielding a big, oversized, bouncy hammer.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
FAMOUS ARIES: LADY GAGA