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Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – September 2014

virgoVIRGO – August 23-September 22

After spending the whole of August in bed, you will greet the world with a renewed vigour. Embrace new challenges and be helpful at work to those you have been awkward to in the past. Try to think up some new jokes and smile for at least an hour a day.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
FAMOUS VIRGO: IVAN THE TERRIBLE


libraLIBRA – September 23-October 22

In an impromptu moment of creativity over the coming month, possibly while you shower lavishly or, maybe, while cavorting Fred Astaire style in heavy rain, you will compose a bouncy melody you will name ‘None of your bees wax.’

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

FAMOUS LIBRA: LEE HARVEY


scorpioSCORPIO – October 23-November 21

Your left arm will develop an occasional evil attitude this month, a bit like in that movie The Dead Man’s Hand With A Mind Of It’s Own. Avoid any kind of flower arranging, horse riding or cheerleading activities until your left arm comes under control again.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

FAMOUS SCORPIO: MARIE ANTOINETTE


sagittariusSAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

The term ‘Fly like a butterfly’ is your lucky meditation chant all month. Avoid answering the front door in just your underpants until arrests have been made on the 28th.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
FAMOUS SAGITTARIUS: WALT DISNEY


capricornCAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

Avoid your movie action persona impulse to jump into water to save a drowning man who looks uncannily like Adam Sandler, in a local lake or swimming pool after the 23rd…they are making a film and you will just look foolish. Make sure you get Adam Sandler’s autograph.

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
FAMOUS CAPRICORN: BENEDICT ARNOLD


aquariusAQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

Your application to be frozen in your local cryogenics freezer-farm has been accepted, make sure all the paperwork is signed by the 23rd. Avoid watching a rare Japanese movie, due to be screened in your area on the 21st, which is about a man who was cryogenically frozen and it all went wrong.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
FAMOUS AQUARIUS: JAMES HOFFA


piscesPISCES – February 19-March 20

Avoid slapping anyone’s bottom on 20th for fear that this could be misconstrued in the exact opposite way you intended it to be. This month, cycling is poorly starred.

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
FAMOUS PISCES: OSAMA BIN LADEN


ariesARIES – March 21-April 19

In a previous life you were a chess Grand Master. Challenge anyone nearby to an impromptu chess match on 8th, after a few drinks. Avoid buying a new hat on 24th even though it matches your shoes.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
FAMOUS ARIES: LADY GAGA


taurusTAURUS – April 20-May 20

An above average quantity of junk mail for gardening items is about to arrive through the post. Keep all of this junk mail, it will be valuable to post apocalypse junk mail collectors later in the century.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
FAMOUS TAURUS: SADDAM HUSSEIN


geminiGEMINI – May 21-June 21

You will invite a group of 11 to a dinner party at your house on the 10th but only two hours before they arrive your oven will stop working all of a sudden. Give your guests lots to drink and send out for pizza. It will be the best dinner party you have ever thrown.

RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
FAMOUS GEMINI: DONALD TRUMP


cancerCANCER – June 22-July 22

A dance class, or a kick-boxercise session, is fraught with muscle-achy downside this month, especially when punching the air or skipping with others. The problem is that you are not taking Planet Mercury’s suggested warm-up exercises seriously enough, are you?

RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY
FAMOUS CANCER: LIZZIE BORDON


leoLEO – July 23- August 22

A long-time friend with loose morals, who throws the best parties this side of Jupiter, will give you a piece of advice that will have a surprising effect on your tea making skills this month. Some sort of anti-social cult will throw spells at you from across the road.

RULING GEMSTONE: JADE
FAMOUS LEO:BENITO MUSSELINI


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