Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – January 2014
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
Crying over spilt milk may seem like a folly, but perhaps not if you’ve spilt piping hot milk over your naked body. Weekend “raves” are not something that happen to you anymore. But it’s okay, you have things like Wogan instead.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
FAMOUS CAPRICORN: BENEDICT ARNOLD
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Continually turning around in a circle is not a good way to avoid seeing the horrors you have created. Your life is a mess, now stop getting dizzy and sort it out. Danger, excitement, thrills. Even spills. These are buzz words which may catch your attention this week, possibly in the form of a horoscope.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
FAMOUS AQUARIUS: JAMES HOFFA
PISCES – February 19-March 20
Flashing lights and fireworks are a sign of good hope for you today. Art is always something you’ve admired from a distance, but today you may choose to embrace your pinker side.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
FAMOUS PISCES: OSAMA BIN LADEN
ARIES – March 21-April 19
Having a box of tissues close to hand might become important over the coming minutes. Please remember today that most of your god-like powers have been taken from you in order to make you a better demi-god.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
FAMOUS ARIES: LADY GAGA
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
When walking down the street, trying not to step on the cracks in the stone, you must take care to avoid all steaming piles. You can’t star in your own television show if you’re a no-talented idiot. Just something to keep in mind – no particular reference to you. Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later today.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
FAMOUS TAURUS: SADDAM HUSSEIN
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Love is like a sea full of sea turtles. Or at least, it should be. If you’ve not experienced this then it’s time to either look elsewhere or just look harder!
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
FAMOUS GEMINI: DONALD TRUMP
CANCER – June 22-July 22
Teepees are a saucy place to hide out and contemplate making love. Of course you’re far too prudish for anything like that but it’ll be nice to think about it for a while. It’s a funny old world so you have to be wary of the people close by you. Some are out to get you in a mean way whilst some are out to get you in a physically pleasurable way.
RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY
FAMOUS CANCER: LIZZIE BORDON
LEO – July 23- August 22
Slapping inanimate objects rhythmically will provide moments of respite at times of uncertainty.
RULING GEMSTONE: JADE
FAMOUS LEO:BENITO MUSSELINI
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Save all nut husks to make jewelry with a young person in a moment of creative endeavour on the 29th.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
FAMOUS VIRGO: IVAN THE TERRIBLE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
Latin American dictators will, at times, make things awkward this month, especially ones that speak in Spanish and point violently when delivering their speeches. Be particularly wary of South American related commemorative plates which arrive unexpectedly in the post.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
FAMOUS LIBRA: LEE HARVEY
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
A rare alignment between Jupiter and Mars (whilst Pluto transgresses the plane of No Name) favors flying vases of the Ming dynasty. Ming dynasty vases have a particularly pleasing (to the planets) whoosh as they fly through the air with a dull egg-like smashing sound as they hit the ground.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
FAMOUS SCORPIO: MARIE ANTOINETTE
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
A visit to a zoo, a leisure park, or a sleazy motel, will all end messily. Ensure bottled water is on hand and a rag to mop your furrowed brow.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
FAMOUS SAGITTARIUS: WALT DISNEY